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Thursday, April 24

Bridge Under Water

And life only gets messier and more complicated as each day passes. I only seem to loose that limited motivated sense of devotion I had for myself. My perspective of life and living has changed a manifold and I haven't got an iota of energy to fight this battle of life. There are several times when I am tempted to just put an end to this misery. Arrrh! Something I cant/cannot/couldn't think of doing earlier even if my worst night mares came true. And today life itself feels unimportant. I fake, I fake happiness, I fake joy. Hell! I can even fake depression these days!!

I fake cause i think i haven't forgotten what it feels like to be happy? Or is it that i have put and awful lot of mind over this matter? I confess that I no longer can i appreciate those small delightful insights in life that would instantly lift my mood and lighten my heart.

All I see is death. how ironical, even death felt beautiful at one point in time. I am compelled to feel incomplete. Dissatisfied and distasteful of my life.My interaction with the world is limited beyond a normal mans comprehension and understanding. To him, the normal human being, I work at what seems to be the most ideal place in this world - Google.

But as they say, 'someones Gold is another's God'. All I only thank God that at this point in time, I at least get to see the sun once everyday before I am confined within the drawn blinds. This depression and constant feeling of dislike has some serious repercussions on me and on those few who are close to me. I don't want to blame my situation at all cause I know that this lil bit of compromise, this lil bit of hardship brings me a step closer to where I want to be.

I remember as a child I was reminded repeatedly by several people these four words that seem to repeat in my mind like a stuck tape 'no pain, no gain'. So, i guess this is the bittersweet pain I have to withstand, just like another of those 'testing times.' I just want to close my eyes and want someone to whisper assurance that I will see it through. Soon, i am sure.

Thursday, April 17

The Hug for 'Life'

Among numerous historical events which I have followed keenly, thanks to the history lessons that went on until I finished my high school or even the articles in newspapers. There are several that come to my mind – glazing my memory with pictures in black and white. These incident have had an impact on my mind and my picture of the era gone by. Still there are few events i count on my fingers, which has shaped me and my personality.

Pages of my history textbook suddenly pop out of nowhere, is it the Harappan and Mohenjodaro’s astonishing planned city’s that stands out? or the treasures of Akbars empire and the wisdom of Ashoka that takes priority? I can picture Queen Elizabeth adorned in jewels in all her glory in a huge hall with chandeliers, and I see Nehru addressing millions with the flag hoisted flying high. The war of the worlds, the Irish potato famine or even the renaissance.

One event stood out on its own, making a mark on my adolescent mind. Past was past but future was in my hands was what i had been hearing from my teachers, peers, parents. This incident surely made me believe that I could make a difference too. It started with the ‘Bishnoi’ tribe of Rajasthan who live in symbiosis with the nature. The people of the tribe protect the animals and the trees with their lives and consider them sacred. The ‘Chipko’ movement denotes the beginning of a revolution that started really slow but caught up like fire with the masses.

‘Chipko’ in Hindi means - to stick to/with. This is exactly what the people of the tribe did when they realized that slowly but surely the trees that inhibited some parts of Rajasthan. Their numbers were dwindling as they were regularly cut, and chopped down by various poachers, in turn affecting the Fauna of the place. Some of them went and hugged the tree and refused to let go of them until the tree was left without being chopped for timber.

As the story goes, this movement caught on like wild fire, Baba Amte who brought the movement into the limelight became the leader and the speaker of this movement. He now lives in ‘Anandvan’ with various trees, animals and tribes in his backyard, nesting several birds and animals and working on various projects that give them employment.

As the environment is gradually going through a shift, the cycles changing, the heat increasing and the ice melting. I realize the importance of nurturing what we have, of holding onto ‘life’ through the green branches and the brown barks… feeling the breeze on my skin, and breathing in the fresh air when standing in the shade of these silent watchers. I feel like holding onto one – for life.

Money in Plastic.

Papier, no longer remains the way..
I buy myself a coffee each day.
No stack of greens or browns you will see
When, my wallet is giving me company.

Swipe it, strike it… its scratch proof I believe.
Bend it low or drown in the snow…
Heart to break... oh! What heartache
To do or not to … is a question within me

You’ll know as you go…
It’s only scissors and the knife that can listen to thy plight
No fire, no ice... it’s resistant - make it twice.
Its solid and strong…will live long

While we walk on… amidst the busy throng
It is this plastic piece that pulls us out of the daily drudgery
Be it a debt, loan or mortgage
A dress, a party or even a birthday cake

The grocery, a vacation or buying a company
Travel, rewards, flowing money
Tickets and bills, shopping that kills…
Almost everything with its added frills

It’s all a clean swipe of hand..
The magic wand.
Numbers and figures and solidified paper
Poor or rich they are ready to cater…

All you need is a bank account
And a conscious that lets you ‘hang it around’
It’s only when the postman comes knocking down
Oh! Just try making no sound…

Try hiding behind the sofa or the ‘maintained glee’
You will realize it’s not for eternity.
The envelope is as scary as it can be
With only some details…you might see

Your name at the top and the amount beneath
It’s all in the past, yes, the history of the month that last.
For the creditors its credit
And the unlucky wise its debit…

For me its guilt, and guilt I believe
Is sad for your soul and the spirited me
Paper they say… is the thing of the past.
Makes me wonder how long it might last

It’s not a rhyme it’s the story of my time
Are you listening? Or still under a wishing tree?

Saturday, April 12

Todays Been Okay

Friends tell me it's spring
My window show the same
Without you here the seasons pass me by
I know you were not new
That loved like me and you
All the same I miss you
Today has been ok
Today has been ok

The preacher lost his son
He's known by all in town
He found him with another son of God
Feeding on the prayer
Nevermind what God said
But love had lost its cause
And I thought today had been ok
Today has been ok
Today has been ok

Wind has burned your skin
The lovely air so thin
The salty water's underneath your feet
No one's gone in vain
Here is where you'll stay
'Cause life has been insane but
Today has been ok
Today has been ok
Today has been ok
Today has been ok

Friday, April 11

Fenced In

Life is messy - thats how we are made to be. We draw lines, not to keep people out but to fence ourselves in. There is more to each and every situation than what our naked eyes see. I have been good, I have been Bad. I also know that clinging to the past is another fence that stops me from moving on. But when something as beautiful as that, is hard leave behind. I must move on, or at least take the goodness of my memories along without letting it crawl into my future. The is not a goodbye, they say that you always meet your past. If not here then in the next lifetime. I am on a hunt to see if that comes true. Life goes in circles. I like to believe that thats true.