Wild Wings and Musings.

2011-10-11T05:03:00.001+05:30

Au Hasard Balthazar - A review

Written & Directed by: Robert Bresson

Stars: Anne Wiazemsky, Walter Green and François Lafarge

Language: French

This perhaps is one of those movies that leave you aching in the heart for the parallels that humans are, and the way they treat 'their' humans and animals. The story though simple brings the complexity of 'human to human' vs 'human to animal' relationship and treatment through a donkey named Balthazar and a girl named Marie.

The story weaves you into itself by showing you the start of both the donkey and the girl's life as happy and playful, an ideal. However, the the girls life changes with situation, the donkey as well is passed to another master.

As the Balthazar moves from one master to another and serves him faithfully by being extremely strong and hardworking, so does Marie. Balthazar is shown being treated and often mistreated by several owners with very little or no compassion. Marie as well is humiliated several times by her lover. She however goes back to him as faithful as her animal friend and is always shown her better side to him.

The scenes that retch your heart are several. From the barbarous treatment being to to the donkey, such as the donkeys tail being lit, the often heavy and huge weight he is made to carry, the hunter treatment, to the extreme indifference some humans have towards faithful helper without whom it could be very difficult for them to survive. In the same way, Marie is shown to have suffered brutally by the ego of her suffering farther who turns down the offer of her childhood sweetheart to marry her, to when she tries to fight for herself she slaps her lover only to receive slaps back from him with more vengeance and power than she can withstand. Dejected both the Balthazar and Marie are seemed to confine themselves to a future that is unknown to them.

Another thing that catches your attention is that Balthazar and Marie both share the same masters several times through the movie. The masters are shown to have the same feelings for both a Donkey and a Woman - ruthless, vicious and brutal. The movie thus takes you through several comparisons and the end shows Marie being humiliated by her lover by being stripped down by his friends and locked in a house and left. And Balthazar is shown being stolen from Marie's house by her lover to smuggle goods. Balthazar is then abandoned at the blink of an eye when the customs almost catch the crook, only to be shot by a bullet that was meant for the criminal and left to die a slow painful death.

The movie makes you realize once again how in several ways man hasnt left his barbarian side to the ancients. However, on the other hands, carried within him. Man is shown to easily disregard the delicate balance he shares as the oppressor towards nature his partner the animal and the woman both the oppressed.

In the end, personally I am happy that there are movies such as this, and there are movies such as Shrek which portray the donkey in a better light.

The movie is most definitely worthy of being a part of the Criterion Collection.

2011-07-28T08:56:00.000+05:30

Farewell.

Last days rather day as a Googler.

A desk that I have more than lived my life at. A ID that has more than become my Identification. An email address I have flaunted, forwarded, used and felt proud. Googlers, I have known, more than known, and looked up too. The events, the TGIFs, the lunches, the cafeteria, the teams, the offsites, the cab rides, the facilities and the people. Lots will change, lots will continue to stay the same. One thing is for sure, I ll miss these little things dearly.

So Long, Farewell Google. You have been more than good to me. You have been a brilliant dream. I was fortunate to have had lived it.

Thank you for every every thing,

Love,

Samvidha

Love you 'till the end.

2011-05-27T11:59:00.000+05:30

I just want to see you
When you're all alone
I just want to catch you if I can
I just want to be there
When the morning light explodes
On your face it radiates
I can't escape
I love you 'till the end

I just want to tell you nothing
You don't want to hear
All I want is for you to say
Why don't you just take me
Where I've never been before
I know you want to hear me
Catch my breath
I love you 'till the end

I just want to be there
When we're caught in the rain
I just want to see you laugh not cry
I just want to feel you
When the night puts on it's cloak
I'm lost for words don't tell me
All I can say
I love you 'till the end

by pogues

Missing Rover; The Search Is On...

2011-05-12T18:04:00.000+05:30

Dearest Darling Rover,

I hope you know how much you are loved and how much you are being missed here. There is not a second that goes by when suk di, mamma and even dadi do something that doesnt involve you. Suk di's the worst but also the most optimistic. You have been gone for more than 36 hours and our hopes havent diminished. Infact we have only become more hopeful that we'll soon find you.

You know, yesterday when you went missing, I really thought you would come back in a bit. That you were somewhere around playing hide and seek, like you do sometimes. I cant tell you how shocking it was for us when it started to dawn on us that you really weren't around to come back, to seek, to play.

Yesterday, thanks to Suk di's awesome friends we were able to look for you. All thanks to the lot (Sunit, Akshaya, Snigdha, Abhishek, Nikki & Even Kaddu) We covered RTC Cross Roads, Narayanguda, Chikkadpally, Indira Park, Gandhinagar, Hyderguda, Domalguda and Liberty areas on bikes. We went to the police stations, the pounds (the place where they go after they pick up stary dogs on the road) It took us the whole day but what kept us going was you.

The thought of you alone in the scorching heat, dehydrated, helpless, with no one to protect you feed you or even hug you was too much to bear. It was also necessary to keep ourselves occupied the whole time because just as soon as there was a minute of quite, within us we would start thinking of you. Sometimes we were filled with your happy thoughts, the way you and suk di had played with pearls necklace the night before. Mumma couldnt stop recalling how I slept on your your tummy using it as a pillow. And how peaceful you were at home.

I can't believe you wandered off too far, yet I can't deny that you are rover. Meant to roam. You know, dad had seen you with the litter and you were the only one rovering and not interested in him. He, curious to see your disinterest picked you up, checked you and looked at you. You looked at him, straight in the eye. You had such honest eyes that sometimes it felt like you could look so deep into our souls without a conversation of words. (Mind you, this is my version of the story, and some parts of it our purely based on my imagination)

You know, when dad had got you home, we were so shocked because it had been only two years since Rufus had passed us. He had been with us for all of 14 years. We for a moment felt that it was betraying him, for we had promised ourselves to never accept any pet after him. But you are such a heart warmer, you know. A few minutes with you and a look at your pudgy gait and happy tail wagging - we melted. You were just 30 days old, and just big enough to fit within our palms. We kept you in a carton that night but you were whining so soo much. So, Sakshi, who is also your best friend and play mate took you out quietly and you slept with her - peacefully in her arms. That night we knew that Rufus would accept cause he too after all loved us just like how you do.

You know, when you had come home the first few months you really showed us what dogs really are - attention seeking-melt-your-heart-people who really can make your life a bag of laughter one moment and a barren land the other. We are on the other side this time, because until yesterday it was all a bag full of happy laughter :) From being a high energy dog who has destroyed all the dolls and soft toys that we were able to save from our childhood playtimes, to some of our favorite pair of shoes, you have taken them all and they are all now nicely settled in your stomach somewhere. But offlate, last few months, you also were becoming more sensitive, more mature. How you would bring your leash to us when you wanted to go home. And how you showed your disapproval when we were angry, or spoke in high tones. How you had started walking with us when we went out on our walks rather than running ahead of us. We could see, how you would communicate. How you would put your hands on our arms to make your point - we heard you every single time.

We miss you darling so so sooo much. I can't tell you how deserted the house looks without you. Every corner looks incomplete, and every smallest space needs your presence. More over, just in the last 12 months you have won us over and your memories are etched in our hearts. You are such a inseparable part of my life that we cannot imagine moving on without you hovering - rovering about us.

When we think of you gone, there are times when it crosses us that you must be lost, dehydrated and waiting for us to come for you. But every time such a thought crosses our minds we think of the other side of the story. We hope you were found by someone who really cares. Who really loves you and is just searching for us the same way we are searching for you.

We love you rover, hope to see you really really soon.

We will never ever ever ever ever give up.

Muah,

Di

Love is

2011-04-18T20:25:00.000+05:30

When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots are become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the desire to mate every second of the day. It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body. No... don't blush. I am telling you some truths. For that is just being in love; which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away...

A song for the soul, after a very very long time :)

The Blowers Daughter.

And He falls in love

2011-04-18T09:20:00.000+05:30

... but I can only stand and stare...

and hope and hope and hope...

2011-03-29T22:57:00.002+05:30

"Even if you fail at your ambitious thing, it’s very hard to fail completely"

Larry Page

2011-03-25T16:28:00.001+05:30

Stakes are out and put across clearly.
Its I who they choose or I choose em dearly
Uncertainty, Choices, Life.
I will remember this phase where ever I be.

2011-03-24T17:03:00.000+05:30

Google, I Love You!!

:)

Things I Love Love Love About Summer's At Home.

2011-03-16T18:04:00.002+05:30

The summer's sunshine
The yellow blooms that recur year after year every summer and enhance the beauty of Hyderabad.
My grand mas voice.
Green unripe mango (अमिया)with salt & pepper
The sound of water coming from the bathroom filling the tub early morning.
Rover sitting by the mesh door with the light of the day falling on him - peaceful coexistence.
My mum and her smile. The bindi on her forehead. so close.
The comfort of pulling rover close and kissing him.
Watching sakshi grow every day.
Water Melons.
The comfort of a cab; of being driven back home everyday
The taste of water from the clay pot.
The dying old table fan which lulls my dad to sleep.
Watching my dad sleep and then slowy tip toeing to cover him with a blanket without waking him up.
Sukriti.
Taking off to Kaddu's place every time I need some heart to heart.
My desk.
Mangalas shelter.
cucumber & curd
3 showers every day with soft warm water.
Smell of old novels waiting to be read.
Surprise- Summer Showers
Munjal (मुन्जल् )

I want to capture so much into memories, pictures, whatever I can to remember and cherish these.

Nose Piercing: An Ordeal accomplised. Scratched Off The Bucket List.

2011-03-10T00:36:00.000+05:30

Always wanted it, since college.

Dint have the guts then.

So, got the ears pierced.

Last year, had decided that on November 26, 2010
I ll pierce them. Well, I argued that as I was turning a year older, I must must scratch it off my bucket list.

So, I went to a parlour.She looked at my nose, closely. And said, the gun wasnt working.
Thinking that okay, that was just the first attempt, I started off in search for an alternate parlour or goldsmith.

That day was my lucky day, or so I thought. A feets distance from the last place lived a goldsmith.
I walked in confidently and spoke to him. He showed me this wire he had made with his own hands.
I coolly asked him what he'd do with it, thinking that definitely he'd have be hygine concious as it involves a lot of bloodshed. He looked me in the eye and said, that he was confident of his experience. And that I should rest assured he'd do a good job. I wanted to believe him. My next question was his fee. He told me 800 INR both for the wire and his service. Looking at the price, I thought, may be its best I leave it to him. Just at that time, a lady walked in covering her mouth. Then I asked him to explain exactly what he'd do.

In less than a minute my whole idea for going through this ordeal was washed. He said, he'd take the wire, hold my nose, and push it in. Aghast, I couldnt belive what I'd just heard. Thinking he had probaly missed the point in his enthusiasm, I pursued. So, I asked, So, you mean first you will clean and sterilize the wire. Next you will then heat it. Next you will check my nose to find a nerve, and last you will gently twitch the wire in.

His expressions told me I had gotten it all wrong. All of it. He explained that he had done it for many women before me and he knew exactly what he was doing. After saying this, he got occupied in sharpening the point of the wire - ready to treat me how it was described.

It took me less than a second to decide this wasnt for me. I rather keep my nose than have a hole as big as the moon for my life. I picked up my nose, and held it close to my heart. It wasnt my lucky day after all.

Many days later, after the initial shock. I entered a beauty parlour, relentless my mind reminded me I had to scratch this off my bucket list. The parlour was in one of the busiest places in hyderabad, chikkadpally. I went to the lady behind the counter and said 'nose piercing.' Sje looked up from whatever she was writing and said to me "follow the steps to the top floor and ask aunty."

Took a deep breath and thought, awesome today is the day. Took the stairs faster than ever to reach aunty; my savior. Time moved slowly then. Its funny how when you want time to move faster, the slower it gets. And when you want the time to standstill... well... we all know how that goes now, dont we?!

So, I finnaly succeded dragging my heavy legs to the top of the stairs and looked around. Theroom was filled with colored cloth all strewen on the floor. I tip toes over them, careful not to spoil them or disturb them. Under the huge pile of clothes I sighted a few sewing machines which explained the colorful blast of the tatters. I went through a door and saw the aunty. Finally, I got mentally prepared. Put my best smile forward and said '' Aunty, nose piercing?" Aunty turned around and looked at me thoroghly from top to bottom.
The time again strtched and passed slower when I wanted it to pass faster.

She never looked up from the haircut she was giving and nodded in my direction asking me to take the other chair. Ready, I took a deep breath. This was it, I could feel it. She then stopped the haircut and hollered in a loud booming voice a name illegible to my trained to hear cooling melodies ear. After many minutes, a small girl came out. She had a gun in her had, which looked like a tiniest version of an AK 47 to me. The girl must be around 8-9 shorter than sakshi. Wearning a half saree, she approached me and stood beside me. She pulled the drawer of the dresser and took a pen. She marked a few dots on my nose. Confident? Ummm...yea...no...yeah.( Yes, Yes, Yes! My mind screeched) But I looked at the girl, so young and I thought; may be. And then, she was only drawing on my face, not really shooting me, I thought. She drew on my nose what I though would be a dot, instead there were 2-3 dots. I looked at them, I looked at her. "I wondered in awe how a young girl could be so sure." I then asked the aunty my savior who was still occupied in cutting someones hair, casually who'd do it. She cooly replied that the girl would be at my service under her supervision. I suddenly wasnt so sure any more. The girl was now loading the bullet-like-nose-stud on to the AK 47. I looked at my reflection in the mirror and the girl and the aunty. I could see it all like I was watching a movie. Something wasnt right. I remembed I had left my bike keys on the bike. I asked her if she could wait while I went and fetched them keeping my voice as still and confident as I had had when I had walked in about 10 mins back.

I took a deep breath and ran, not because I was scared to find my bike wasnt outside, but because I couldnt take the scene on the mirror off my mind. With the keys jingling in my pocket, I ran for my life and never looked back at the parlour again.

After this episode, I decided to not pursue this dream any more. May be it wasnt worth it - I told my self. And anyways, what kind of a conceited person was I to not look at the signs that were in front of me.

Days passed, and my nose was the least of my worry. Then, today, I was heading to meet Kaddu who had returned from Mumbai. I decided to reach her place be taking many detours and lanes instead of the main road as I wanted to avoid being caught by the traafic police for driving without a helmet. And because I wanted to avoid being stuck in a traffic jam. Lastly, I wanted to feel the beautiful sultry summer evening wind pass and gush through my hair.

I was humming one of my favorite songs and loving the weather when I saw "Glamour Beauty Parlour." I suddenly was reminded of my pursuit and decided to try again. I stopped my bike and went in. I asked not very hopeful this time after my previous encounters, "Nose Piercing"?
A lady really busy with cream in a her hands about to smear somone on the chair replied "Yes." I looked around, the parlour was neat and tidy and the girl was chinese. I causally asked what time would the parlour be open until.

She said 830, I walked out. Unsure of my return. I reached kaddus place and asked her if she wanted to come with me half expecting her to turn me down. She to my surprise was ready in less than 2 mins. We reached the place and I sat on the chair.

This time a lady walked in trailing behind was a small chinkii boy. She explained that she will be doing it. She opened a neat and steralised stud and took a gun which was white in color. AK 47s should be manufactured in all colors I think. It ll be a nice change for the user. She closely looked at my nose and searched marked a dot with a pen. She then asked me to check if she had marked it in the right place. I looked at the mirror, almost expecting for something to go wrong. Nothing did. I confirmed to the lady that the place was perfect and gave her a go ahead. I murmured something about having only one nose and that was in her hands. But time this time moving slower when I wanted it the other way. I braced my self, and closed my eyes. Kaddus soothing voice telling me it would be all right. My jaws closed tight shut, and for a moment all the moment in time stopped - froze. I knew this was it. She told me told still, unknown to her that I had forgetton to breath, in the last few minutes.

Spaccckkk! she pulled the trigger, I jumped in my seat. Nothing. It was a bogie call. We all laughed, the air became instantly lighter within moments. The moment passed quickly, I again, took a deep breath. Had a one long good look at myself again in the mirror. That was the last I had seen myself with my naked-bare nose.
This time, zataackkk came the noise and it shook me from within. The gun had done its job. I knew now that if I opened my eyes, my nose now had a hole which was filled by a glistening shining stone. I opened my eyes and wiped the tears off my face which were blocking view of the mirror. After several futile attempts I could actually see in haze, my nose. When I looked down at it however, all I saw was a stone and rainbow colors shining brightly.

p.s Kaddu later told me that with the zatack noise there had been an ear piercing scream which had shocked everyone there. I definitely deserve this.

Venue booked

2011-03-08T08:40:00.001+05:30

After 2 months of fanatic running from abids to ameerpet to begumpet to trimulgherry to mehdipatnam.

Glad its over :)

And delighted its what it is.

2011-02-11T01:43:00.001+05:30

Families are scary, especially when you get to know them. It could be anyones', yours, your friends', and yup the scariest of all, your spouse'! All of us love our families irrespective of their quirkiness, their conditional loving, their strong ideals and their fear of the unknown. And fact of the matter is, no matter how much you may hate each other inside, or even have quite a long trail of fueds, when it comes to the outer world, most would give it less than a thought to come and fight against the world.

Its funny, then how we all spend soooo much time loving a person by spending time with them, by explaining them little nuances of how you did one things and how your reaction to this was, and how less time we spend talking of our families. I mean, of course, it'd be a task to do that, considering the gigantic size of emotions each person carries, the problem of making the other person a bit over whelmed by all and the risk of loosing them.... its much easier to elope and get married, really!

I mean everyone wants to keep their world a pretty place by keeping the outside of their homes, the gardens and the varandahs clean and well attended to. However, when you enter and walk deep into the house, you will notice the cob webs and the dust that has been ignored, often.

And well, as people we like to believe in the prettiest pictures and paintings you see. You want to believe in the happy endings, and you want to believe that all is well. And all this even after knowing that sometimes, what you see is not what you get, unlike the WYSIWYG theory!

Right now, I wish there was an easier way. I wish lovers would start their stories by setting the expectation right and saying "listen, my family's the craziest and scariest families in the world." And more like "okay, you wont believe it, but its true. I was born to a family of monsters" :O

Reallly!

Well its all about setting the expectations right, right?

Then why stop at you, yourselves, your dreams, your lives, your interests, your ambitions, your views, your hobbies? Whats stops us from including one of the most important aspects, our families too!
I mean, lets be fair, again. Say it aloud, I was born to monsters, and so... that makes me a _ _ _ _ _ _ ! And because, I love you, you must be a MON_ _ _ _. But then, I love Monsters, YOOHOO! :)

I mean who wouldnt accept something so nicely sugar coated as that, tell me?

Well, ideal just as all my other posts, such is not life...

Humbug, I gotto get back to my sleep, which is what I promised my darling vamsi, I'd get right after we said Good night. So well, for now, I hope for some nice dreams, of heaven, of love, of lasting bliss, for now.

Tomorrow is another day.

p.s: Vam, I love love both our familes, consider it only a rant after a long and crazy day.

When inbox says 0

2011-01-19T14:03:00.001+05:30

Often in a long distance, seeing that glow with 1 mail highlighted with that persons name can make your day.

And so you wake up, wash up, and rush to work - and before you log in to do anything... you quietly tip toe into your inbox to see if there was anything left for you by your Santa. :) there are ofcourse days you are in for a surprise

And there are times when the number 0 seems to be your only lucky number. And so you walk back holding that Teddy tight, dejected cause santa missed your home.

Ofcourse the days of surprise more than makes up for these times. Like that short email that said 'oh, I so wish you were here to see this' or even a sentence that reads 'I came across something, and it so reminded me of you.' :)

There is a lot that makes this sort of a relationship tough and even highly unsatisfying to a large extent. But if you believe in that itsy bitsy happiness, then there is enough to keep you going and believing that things are great and will only get better from here.

So, what are you waiting for? Go to your inbox and compose it and make their day

Love, Nat King Cole

2011-01-10T23:03:00.000+05:30

And on a half mooned marooned evening, such as today.Two friends sat arm in arm, chatting about the biggest mysteries they had ever known. Long after sharing stories, laughter and some serious heart to heart. One said, thinking out aloud with a sigh, "Love will always remain a mystery."

And the two held their breath with the pause that came after the respite they got from that sentence. A long drawn deep breadth and eons of a pause later they sat looking at the elegant moon far far away. And just then this song started playing somewhere far far away.

Love, by the way, for that day stayed just that.

L is for the way you look at me
O is for the only one I see
V is very very extra-ordinary
E is even more than anyone that you adore can

Love, its all that i could give to you
Love, is more than just a game for two
Two in love can make it
Take my heart and please don't break it
Love was made for me and you

L is for the way you look at me
O is for the only one i see
V is very very extra-ordinary

E is even more than any anyone that you adore

Love is all that i can give to you

Love is more than just a game for two

Two in love can make it

Take my heart and please don't break it

Love was made for me and you

Don't Leave Until You Leave

2011-01-06T23:45:00.000+05:30

Some lessons come to you, when you need them the most. And they become lessons for life.
Today, I happened to learn something I hope never to forget in my life. I've been obsessed about getting married from the day the thought was put in my head. Its in my subconscious and it really has had an effect that has encapsulated and changed my whole life.

I have seen these changes in me and I have ignored them, because it dint make sense. I was doing all that I was supposed to. Yet, somewhere I wasnt doing enough. I dont have enough experience, neither do I have the right sort of people guiding me who can point and tell me what my problem is when they see it. So, I learn the hard way, and the hard way is the way that I am going to speak about today.

I have been a career oriented girl, or so I thought. I started off being completely enthused in college with the subjects that finally fit my ideas and mindset and gave me the sort of satisfaction that one gets from walking on a spring-season evening. My life in college started with myself, in between I had my most amazing bunch of friends and came back to being myself. This is not a random rant, so please don't go just cause I am talking so much about myself back in college! What I am trying to get at while you may think I am going off in a tangent is that, I had a wild spirit back in college. A zest back there that I feel inside me brimming under a few layers these days. Those days, it used to be bubbling on top and everything else, tightly layered in. I knew that I wanted to do something good, and make something out of me. I worked very hard to achieve that.

So, after college even when I dint know what I'd do, I sort of knew that whatever I did, I'd do a good job of it. So, long after, when I was placed in the coolest companies, I started of with the same spirit. However, soon after, my personal life began to move full throttle. Somewhere in time, Vamsi asked me to marry him and I was in cloud 9. This was quite a while back. Since then, I would often get excited and start thinking and planning about the wedding. So much, that today when I look back,

So, often it would happen that I would be on the right track with work, and things would deteriorate, I would often let go basically because I had a parallel track called wedding.

Anyways, touchwood, things are going well on that end. And hopefully will continue to as well. I just wanted to write something that I remember for a lifetime. These 3 things were shared on TED by Sheryl Sandberg. And I hope to remember them, as they make complete sense to me

1. Sit at the table.

Meaning: give yourself that importance and dont shy away or under estimate your capabilities. You are in the room for a reason, you must make yourself and everyone feel it, and you better make most of it.

2. Make your partner a real partner.

Meaning: give your better half the credit and treat them as equals and with respect- as you wish to be treated.
Make time for them, appreciate them for their love and support. Be open to sharing responsibilities. Home is not easy to handle for anyone, be it a man or a woman. Dont take your better half for granted.

3. Don't leave before you leave

Meaning: Do not stop working on opportunities and plans just because there is something "happening" in your personal life. Yes, agreed you have made some decisions too far in advance but this shouldn't stop you from doing your job halfheartedly or not doing the best of your capability. Keep working actively until the very end!

The last point is the most important one that was ever shared with me, and also the most relevant. Yes, I have probably lost 2 years of my career here. However, learning something this important is never too late. Because when I look back its 2 long years of my 4 years of career, but I look forward - these are just 2 years of my loong loong life and career ahead.

I really hope to value not just professionally but personally too. Certain things become your nature only when you apply them to your personal as well as proffessional life. And me this has been the biggest learning.

Somethings Broken...

2010-12-04T11:26:00.003+05:30

"Yeah, we broke up." How often I have heard this. How often I've wondered what it feels like.How often I've thought that its more an immature-ish thing. Something that the my world is learning from the west. How often I've wanted to laugh at the person who loudly acclaims 'Oh, yeah! I broke up with him/her' thinking to myself, oh, if it was that easy, I wonder if you even knew him/her.

But slowly its clearing up for me. That foggy vision, like the glass pane after a hot warm shower. Which one stands watching for a long long second and then you raise your hand to clear it. Slowly, until a familiar reflection starts to show themselves to you, again. For a long time, you are mesmerized by what you see.

But it only takes you a second to realize that the person you see is not the same. Something has changed. Something has changed. Of course, sometimes I wonder what has. Honestly, I have a sense of it but when I say it loud, it sounds similar to a lie, and so, quickly I take it back. It takes some time, and I continue watching the reflection, closely- trying to figure out what is that really has changed. After a minute, something else, catches my attention and I close my eyes. When I open them, I recognize it, that reflection.

Its from the memory of a minute before. And sometimes, thats all one needs to be reminded of what I am and what I' ve come to.

Of course, I do not know what to do and where to go from here, I have been here too long. But I'd like to say it to those who've had similar thoughts as mine. Breaking up is not easy for some. Especially if you have dreamed together too long. There are memories that bubble up each day. There are tears enough to fill your bubble and burst it too. That security of future, that hope for tomorrow. All is lost, in a moment. But damn that longing, and damn that pain - it just stays.

Somethings broken and I am broken up. Its not something that came to me with a click of my fingers. It came to me just like love had, snaking its way slowly by steadily towards me - towards all of me. Its a realization that something is not right. Its not taking me the way I wanted to go. I had reached out several times, just like some one who is going to end their life would. After many attempts and many many rehearsals in mind, I decides to take that plunge.

And I did it.

Just like I had for love. This is the same as that. The only difference is that its more for the love of myself, than for the love of that someone else. I am at a crossroad and I know that what we had was something of once in a lifetime. Often, I know, I ll wonder and look back. Often, I know I will have those thoughts. Often, I ll again steam up my windows and rub them only to see if that someone was really me. There is life ahead, and its a long long lonely one...

Trepidation Of Rejection

2010-12-01T02:17:00.001+05:30

Rejected.

The word rolls between my tongue the way sometimes wine does. I feel the layers to this word, just like sometimes I do with wine. Many a times, I am unsure as to what I may find. And many a times, I know I have found it. Its a cat and a mouse game, you keep at it and you forget how much time you have lost, how many thoughts and how much life. Rejection. You keep coming back to it; just like how you go back to that glass of wine, even after you have devoured a good mouthful.

There is something sweetly bitter about being rejected. Its a love affair; where your mind goes numb a minute and your heart comes alive the next. You can feel nothing and yet you feel everything. This minute you can hear the sounds, the noises, the thoughts, and the feelings - all comes to a standstill. You feel disconnected from the world. Sucked into a vacuum where you can probably only hear the aberration of what was, and not what is.

Your world definitely changes. It actually stops.

But thats how you feel it. Its not what it really is. Rejection makes you come alive. The word 'NO' in different forms, variations and meanings can have the same impact in different situations. There is little that you can do when you are hit by this phenomenon of rejection.

You can be anybody.

You may be a expecting mother looking forward to meet the doctor who'd help in your baby's delivery. And are rejected as the doctors book has no place for appointments.
or
You may be that boy who is looking to start a life and is waiting in a plush reception of his dream company and is 'Suited' for the interview. And your turn to interview never comes.
or
You may be me. Waiting, waiting so long that the wait seems to have never started. That the wait seems to have become your life. And then out of no where, you can feel it coming; the rejection - you can feel it in your bones.
or
You may be that boy who has conjured up the courage today to ask her out, finally. You put on your best shoes and your jacket. Wear your best smile and have that red rose handy. Only to hear that she is not free that way.
or
You may be that wife who after a long long day of work and chaos, finally comes to bed to her husband; looking for some comfort, some love, some appreciation. Only to see that he is busy and building his social ties and doesnt even notice your presence.

Rejection hits us most times when we are filled with pride, or rather least with pride. When we know that there is something we have done that deserves some comfort, some recognition, some good, and some kind words. Rejection sweeps us off our feet and places us back on the ground level faster than the blink of that eye. It has been there since centuries and probably is the cause of many many heart aches.

Of course, I feel rejected today, and so my hearts alive yet numb.

Why is it tha rejection makes me trepid. Why do I abhore being rejected. Is it because I am very highly positive in my approach. That in moment I am filled with hope and possibilities and the next all of it shatters with a not-nod.

Intrepidity: I must become intrepid to being turned down. Shamelessly, intrepid.

A Day Before 26 November, 2010...

2010-11-25T17:56:00.002+05:30

I can't believe it. Days pass into months and months into years.And year after year just another day becomes a significant day that you'd rather not wait for. I'd rather not count those insignificant years gone by...

First, its the parents, celebrating milestones of something they created.Day after day they celebrate the lil things, little changes they see in their children. They lovingly called it 'growing up'. But really unknown to them, they really celebrate their slow paced independence.They celebrate when the child first walks on their own and dint need their support. They celebrate the day they dint have to be by the child's side, and the child could stand on his own two feet. (Having said that, of course I agree, they have every reason to celebrate it because its not everyday that a child is born to you. That you create and develop something "alive" together, so celebrate it all the way Amma & Appa)

But what is ironical is that the child himself thinks that they are being celebrated. Its the noise, the happy faces, the happy attention span, and the easy attitude that distract him from the truth behind the reality. And so, its an illusion that he lives in, for a long long time. Because, long after he took his first step - and they celebrated. Long after he was on his own - and they celebrated. Long after all of that and they finished celebrating; the child continues to celebrate. He stood there proudly clapping his non - achievements. He stood there standing tall celebrating his mundane life. He stood there with a happy gait and a happier smile celebrating, oblivious to his own loss of childishness or for the loss of a better word, childhood.

What is unknown to him is that future may no longer bring the same security and comfort of being taken care of, of being blindly dependent, and of being careless and free are soon to be gone replaced with burdens of responsibility and grudging reality that life is no child's game. And that its time to turn the tables soon, that what you took for granted, may not be; like the food on the table and the washed and ironed clothes. Or even the comforting warm arms or the morning sounds of chores.

That what comes is made of adults and adulteration.

For so much that has gone missing, I refuse to count today. I refuse to move on. I refuse to say that I ll be a year older. I refuse to let the memories be bygone. I refuse to say that I ll be dying soon one day (I know, kinda dramatic). I refuse to be a year closer to 25, or wait is it 52? I refuse to let go of them, my loved ones. I refuse it, I refuse it all.

Today, I ll live another day - like its my only one. But please don't celebrate it & please dont let it be Happy or Merry. Just today - this one day, please.

Understanding a Vamsi; Understanding a Free Spirit

2010-11-24T11:36:00.000+05:30

Often insignificant conversations bring you to understand the most significant things about life. Today, one of the most insignificant conversations with the man made me feel how inherently free and spirited he is. How he is made out of the jungles and grasses and animals and rocks and birds and trees. Just like in the free times. Just like in the olf old times.

I could picture him running wild with the wild as we spoke. The sun moved from the east to west following his pace.

It was a harsh reality that in the space of virgin and untouched wild wild lands, the spaces were now filled with building and parks. And in the space of the free animals the place was milling with herds and crowds of people. My vision of seeing him leap high towards the sky, suddenly shattered as there was nothing to cushion his jump. No lush green grass - only concrete that struck.

And with that, I feel dejected. And de-spirited.

Showering Sparrows!

2010-11-15T23:58:00.001+05:30

So, I guess those who know me well know that I Love Sparrows. They are the cutest creatures in the whole world. At home a few years ago there used to be a bunch of sparrows living in a bush. But its been years since I have seen one at home, happily jumping and playing with each other.

So, coming to the point, a few weeks back I had made a trip to Hampi, and guess what - the sparrows were there! Not just a bunch but in abundance. Every thatched roof had a family of sparrows, and so did every buss behind a rock. It was a delight watching these little wonders swing from one place to the other attached to each other with a spring.

Sparrows have a way with dancing and fluttering. And I can sit in a place and watch their energized activity for hours without moving a limb. If you watch them long, they ll tell stories. Some good ones, of happy times and some bad - of survival.

Sparrows have become non - existent in our surrounding and we know why. We forgot about them. Simply. These small lil beings who are so known be so involved with themselves and their daily chores. We forgot about them cause we got involved in us, and ours.

Anyways, its not time for lecture. The reason why I am writing this post is to share one of the most joyous occasions of my life. Showering Sparrows. :) Okay, more like Bathing Sparrows!

So, I was walking back from one of the ruins early morning. The road was muddy and had puddles of water in several places after the incessant rains from the night before. So, trying to skip and miss these pools of water, I was returning to my guest house when out of no where these sparrows came fluttering.

I stopped in my tracks as I had spend quite some time trying to take pictures of them since my visit but they are so fast its almost impossible. So, when they came flying out of the bush - obviously I froze in my tracks. I had no idea that I was in for a big treat. One after the other, in a few seconds there were about 8-10 sparrows. Some male and some female.

All of them came and stood beside these muddy pools of water and started to take a dip in the water. 5 of the females decided to take one pond while the rest 5 males decided to take the other. And they dipped and playyed and cleaned themselves, while I happily did a sparrow dance and took these shots.

I know, there must be better shots of them - but for me these really are the best - cause they have a dream come true wish behind them. Cause these have a story that ll be shared with many. And I am glad I was part of the Sparrow Kingdom for once :)

Although this whole incident must have lasted less than a second. For me it was a moment of a life time. When my silent wish to the sparrows-to-hold,-so-I-could-take-a-picture came true.

Value & Values

2010-10-06T10:24:00.000+05:30

are important.

Values to keep you going, on the right path. To give the insight to see the right signs. To be the guiding forces when you have to choose.

Value, that tells you that what you do is important. That what you are is important. That the choices you make are important and valued.

To them, I devote myself.

2010-10-04T00:54:00.000+05:30

Things on my mind:

1. CWG and Delhi; Kalmadi having the guts to stand on the stage and speaking on behalf of India. India; boo'ed.

2. The death of 7 elephants by a speeding goods train. The elephants were on the track to save two elephant kids who were stuck at the crossing. Elephants being the social beings that they are, couldnt abandon their offsprings and so stayed until their last breath. However, I wonder what the Train Driver was busy doing; blind to the travesties of the tracks. I dearly mourn them.

3. The 5 pups who have now grown into cutey balls of fur, and have the cutest and most funnest gait. They are just 4 weeks old and are looking for homes. Its so easy to give a dog home, they are no nonsense pets and condition and adjust to their masters life styles very well. My heart would die to see my babies go to blue cross instead of homes. Hope...

4. Babri Masjids Verdict: As much as I am amazed and surprised at the 'peaceful' proceedings after the verdict, I am not satisfied with it though. Where is justice. If two people quarrel for a land, do you just take a knife and cut it equally? What about rightful ownership? I am all for the muslims, and their cause. There was some wrong done, how can we ignore it as History? If we do, only then - History repeats itself. We must learn.

5. Gandhis birthday, and so was Lal Bahadur Shastri. I respect Shastri ji for his humble, yet strong nature. Some of his words and thoughts will continue to be a part of what I know as India's Freedom Struggle. Jai Jawan Jai Kisan and HIndi Cheenii Bhai Bhai. Heres to two most respected and wonderful Mahatmas born to India.

Well Played, Time. Well Played.

2010-09-24T23:24:00.002+05:30

Sometimes life takes you too far from where you were standing, too fast too for your understanding.
Sometimes you find yourself in places where you never thought you'd see yourself at.

Sometimes, in life, you will find that before you can infer from the course of events as to what is really taking place, you may have drifted too far apart. Sometimes, you can see yourself drifting, mesmerized by the slow motion at which you are set adrift; you think you can close your eyes and still just be around. Alas, before you wake up to realise, you are far too long gone and away to come back where you were, caught unaware by the motion of the rapid forces of the erstwhile slow and gentle liquid .

Time is steadfast yet dynamic. It stares at you blankly, slowly ticking those seconds deceiving you to believe that you are in solitude.That you have a moment to spare - to wait, to let go. The sporadic movement to me meant that things will change but in time. How Conniving. How misleading.

Right now, all I can say is Time, played well.

2010-09-04T12:42:00.001+05:30

Insensitivity, slows crops into all my lives. Insensitivity comes with all the dis connectivity brought in. Insensitivity is all those things I do for myself. I am more for myself than for the other.

Disconnected. I had wanted to be - cause it pains less, hurts less as you are less involved. Disconnected I am so much that I put myself before me.

Its new for me, I am living it.

Whats On Your Mind?

2010-08-17T12:17:00.000+05:30

Those are a few words that I see on many spaces. Not the same words - but similar. Facebook, Twiite and Buzz I just keep shifting between these 3. And My mind keeps shunting with me.

But really, I have nothing much to say these days. My mind works just the way it ought to - while at work think of work. While at home think of home - which means zilch. Nothing. There is nothing up there these days. No wonderful thoughts, no questions to ponder, no answers to give.

Do I dislike it - I don't know. I dont. I dont want to. I am here because I think I wanted to be. And now that I am here, what would it make me if I said - I hate it? So, I dont. I am dead brained - and loving it!

So, yes, answer to that question is - really - I forgot I had a mind in the first place.

Thank you!

So..

2010-07-30T11:31:00.000+05:30

What if I walk out of this place today?

Now?

Its been a nice journey, offlate its been unfortunate and unkind. I have been passionate and positive. But my times running short. My life is running short. I wanted to stay for a while longer... but what if I walk out now? :(

Although very alluring, this thought is very impractical.

but is it worth all of this?

some questions running through my mind a hundred times every minute of every day.

2010-05-23T19:46:00.000+05:30

I am in my happy place :) No comments or posts from me for a while should be considered a positive thing.

His surgery went well and he chugging towards being awesome again :P I am visiting him in a days time. Cant wait :)

Laila's resided - too bad. I was enjoying the lovely weather out here. But the Met dept. says that monsoons will be here in no time. Thats great right? :) No complains - as much as I love the rain I love the sunshine too!

The Air India Crash (Boeing 737-800) recently near Mangalore was heart wrenching to hear. I have not switched on my TV or heard it on the radio, or read it in the newspapers. The news reported in writing, online were enough for me to understand the graveity of the situation. Blessed were the 8 who survived. Accidents happen, and lives are lost. There is a black hole that is left behind by the ones gone. And all you can do is miss them. There is nothing you can do about it. There is no more one can say. For people like me who are bystanders - we can only empathise for the pain. And think there time had come - lucky them.

Its a nice feeling to visit your blog in a long time, and find comments on posts from ppl you have never met. :) I have never advertised my blog. Its not on any of my social networks. I want ppl to know of it randomly. I feel that when you tell your world that you have a blog, they become biased towards you. I like my vulnerable - waiting to be surprised world. Heart felt thanks for spending a whole lot of time your precious reading about me, and my life. Thank you for passing this space.

Peaceful tonight. ciao

My world, Their Worlds...

2010-05-10T01:49:00.002+05:30

Today for the first time, the thought and talk of wedding and tying a knot brought tears to my eyes. I cried. Everythings okay, and yes although I am looking forward to a companion in my best friend. It suddenly dawned on me that I'd have to leave behind all this, and My Parents.

My Dad started his journey young. A fighter, right where he belong, with Fighter Planes. My mum was drawn towards art. She fell in love with oil and colors. They met, and my dad loved her since then. She still doesn't know, neither does he. But I do. Cause I came along, soon. Much too soon. But you ll get to know that later in this post. They have been together for 25 years. This June they ll complete 25. Yet sometimes to me they sound and look like newly weds.

My parents, each have had a life. Before they were a couple. Before they were married. A life that was full of love, laughter, family and friends. The both had their share of Good Times. And even after they were together pre and post wedding they had enough on their plates to keep them occupied for a lifetime. But some where, we happened. I being their first born, I should say, I happened. They dint travel with each other anymore. There was always me alongside. My dad when he took off dint just think of my mum he left behind at home, he though of me too. My mum when she said her good bye to him every morning, dint just think of herself, she though of me.

Lucky for them, I thoroughly enjoyed traveling. So, they never had a baby sitter, never left me with neighbors. I always tagged along. Be it farewell parties, or places where only ppl taller than 4' go. :P I tagged along. Some times on foot, sometimes in the cars back seat. Some times hanging for my life on the bike. Or sometimes, tugged snugly in a basket, or a helmet.

I have never been left back in a road trip, they always wanted the whole bunch of us to travel with them. They never felt the urge to be with each other, since the last 23 years, they accepted me. As their own. In there 25 years of being together, I was there for around 24 years (9 months cooking :P). They ve loved me, laughed with me. They just took me in like I was always there. They fought with me, they fought for me. They completely gave themselves to bringing me up. Their conversations moved from each other to "Shubhi" and then the kids, smoothly transitioning. Even after so many years, with oh my daughters' still a baby updates being a part of the past, my dad when meeting old time buddies first brings them upto date about "Shubhi" and then follow other stories.

Somewhere I always knew at the back of my mind that they had done all these things. That they had let a third person enter their lives and live with them. Instead of questioning my presence they took me in, loved me bits and nurtured me whole heartily. Its only today I am hit by all of this, at such an intense level. I suddenly am aware that someday very soon, I'd be expected to do things as selflessly as they did. Someday soon, the conversations will have to shift to someone else, and be about someone else. It really hit me that soon it may not be about me, or him. Could be about us, or could very well be about someone new.

Only when the seriousness of a marriage dawned on me, did I completely realize the things both of them had together, and individually, and may have had lost when they had found me. By the looks of it, it does really look like they discovered each other again. May be they never even missed themselves much.

But they lived such simple lives. So simply.

And I, I am soo complicated. I am sure they never questioned what was happening. Like I am today. They never questioned when the lives they lived were altered due to us. I am so thankful to both of them, as I know that both have tried in the best ways they knew to give me the best of the world.

I also realized that I dont, and may never know the complete story of my parents life. The world, their world. It remains in the past. The decisions they take, and why they do certain things will always be a mystery as they have lived it. Already. And I may never be ready to hear their stories, or understand them. Ever.

I cannot stop here, and not move forward. I must as this seems to be the direction where my life wants to go.
I am not sure if I will be as giving and unconditionally unconditional as they have been. I am not sure if I ll even be as receptive to new people as they have been. But they have taught me some things, certain things, these I ll take along for the rest of my life.

And although, soon I may not be in the same drawing room as them, watching my dad act crazy, while my mum laughs along. Or see my dad come and hug Rover in the night lovingly, and sleep beside him on the floor. Or watch my mum complain about the maid servant to my sister. Or sit and make fun of dad's new recipe. Or even laugh until my stomach hurt after dancing like mad with Ma and them. I know I ll be missed. I know that once I am out, there may never be looking back. There may never be a time like this. :( But they are so strong. So grounded, I hope I draw strength from this and I am able to pass the current.

P.s while I am feeling all these emotions, how much of a coincidence it is that this will be my 100th Post. So, here is to my Mum & Dad. Both of whom, I love unconditionally.

My 100th and more,
Lovingly,
Shubhi.

I look up...

2010-05-04T15:20:00.002+05:30

Some times, we allow our life to drive happiness out of one or a dew sources. This is not a very ideal way of living, the wise say. I guess because, as easily these conditions pick you up and help you soar the skies, same way, its easy for them to drop you back down there. May be having several sources would be like having best friends with eagles and storks. If one drops you, the other picks you up mid way and takes you a different direction.

Yes, ideally I'd love to have multiple sources not a handful as I do now. But, I am here, and I know that one of my sources is shining bright. The shining star blinds me, and I am dazzled. There isnt much I can do as I am glued to my feet. And so, I helplessly let go. Let go off all my inhibitions, and feel lightened thanks to the much heavy weight I have shed. And so, I start to float. Just like it happens in water, you rise up... slowly but surely. And before I can acknowledge what is happening, I am flying. High :)

He is visiting soon. 9 days more to go. :) At last, the excitements building (All is normal here, thank god!) :) I am also looking forward to a loong break from work and indulging into things I love to do. :) Travel, click click, swim, cook, dance, singa - ringa and laugh :) Like, laugh enough to satisfy all that I have missed in the many many days past. I am looking forward to some refreshment and refreshing freshness he brings with his perspective. Yes, I am also looking forward to the madness. I am looking forward to being pampered, just enough. And doing little things and drawing happy memories for a lifetime. Needless to say, I am looking forward to intense discussions on varied topics. Its a lovely feeling - this anticipation, and this knowledge that we are both here to listen and understand each other more. It comes with being around each other, we let go off a little on our own, and a little more in each others company.

Revisiting ruins and old times, making new and building few :) Its all a part of why I am so mad about you. Here is a picture that totally dipicts this madness albeit logically!

Song For The Mood

Unlike, all times, java software is blocked on my comp so, I am unable to download this beautiful video and connect it directly to my site. Sorry, to listen, you will have to go to Youtube :) Here's Let Go!

Love, & Random. Note to self.

2010-04-07T02:28:00.001+05:30

Anxious. Can't sleep.

There was a time when Love to me was all beautiful things. When it was tender and soft and carefree. Like a walk in the meadows, or a Poppy orchard with the butterflies fluttering for company. When trying to replicate my feelings, I couldn't come up with any less than this for them.

Today I feel like a sham. There is not much that is tender or vulnerable. It gets frustrating if I try too hard as I sound less original. The more I try, the more I hate. In the past, I have never had as many drafts as I do today.

My expressions of self only seem to make me loath my self more these days, leave alone let them feel my love. Then again, I wonder if this is really love anymore. But before I let that thought take me into a complete tangent, I must remember that I cant always be searching for 'that love' cause that love too gets boring, if lived too often. Its like reading the same lines again and again, the first few times you may feel the enthu, but after a few reads, your eyes and mind gets trained to ignore and move on

Anyways, I think I cant sleep, only cause I have gotten used to a good night call since for ever! When Beethovan and John Keats felt the way we did, and we able to describe it better, then I guess, I may have a chance too. Its not time yet. I must open myself to feel my wings, and believe that I can create wonderful things if I open my heart again to feel them. If I start seeing them again, as I once saw them, for the first time.

For that I may have to have a hundred and one conversations with this mind of mine. I may have to kill or bribe. Or I may just have to fall in love all over again. What ever it may be. Tonight I am going to spend in hope that when it comes to me, it takes my life force with it, like it did then.

Until then, this night does need company, so do I.

Drums Circle. A Connected Experience Of Euphoria & Peace.

2010-03-22T13:07:00.000+05:30

All deep things are a song.

And there is a song for every feeling, emotion or situation in our lives. And while we are feeling these songs, another experience comes along that makes us one with our music even more. It happened to me today when I wasn’t for once listening to a song, but being the song. Making a song and moreover, creating that music.

Most of us swear by that loooong drive experience where that trippy trance drenches you thoroughly with its rhythm, inviting you to take plunge into the heaven we call nature. I know, to some I am going to sound random, arbit to an extent.

Apologies.

Today was one of those highly moving days of my life. One of those days where I stood still but every part of my body, cell, and muscle moved to the beat and the rhythm. Sometimes some experiences can only be lived, and however much you try to explain to share. You realize you do a shabby job because the experience was in that moment. Having said that, I am still going to give it a try.

Hope.

I had left my home not very happy, and I reached the park welcomed not by the familiar gates to keep away trespassers, but by a crane digging the road and blocking the entrance of the place. Another thing that puzzled me was the stench of the lake. On top of it all there was traffic that was haphazard. I could have easily let my spirits die right there, but something told me to hold it.

Thank God.

The entrance to the park to my surprise was not through the gate but through the hidden bridge which made me feel like a child. Excited for what lay ahead was unknown to us, and that meant Adventure. Yay! We walked into the park. (Sukriti, and a surprise meeting sandeep in the parking) The sun would slowly head to its home, but right then it was sunshine. We were welcomed by the sound of the beat of drums.

Divine Intervention.

To a walker, or a jogger it looked like a set of weird people come together with weird instruments. We were of course a group in all sizes and shapes. There were old girls of may be 5 to young uncles of 50+. There were the Big Drums, the Djembes, the Tambourines, the Dholaks, the Congos, the Ghoonroos, the Cymbals and some more that I do not know the names of. :P It was definitely a weird set. ;)

Chaos as it comes.

In the middle of the circle was man who was dancing along with the music – Vikram Badhwar the lead. The music they created was perfect. Yet, later I got to know most in that circle had never played an instrument before. It dint take me too long find a place and choose my instrument. Mine was the smallest one, a pair of Cymbals. It was only few minutes when I caught on to the rhythm and started moving to the beats.

It begins.

With no inhibitions, we played by just listening and feeling the beats. Going by our instincts. I banged the Cymbals together whenever I heard that space which the sound of my cymbal could fill. And it did :) My Cymbal partner, Shilpa was so much fun with an easy smile and willingness to wait for me to catch on. That was all I needed. An occasional wink and an exchange of smile sukriti and those in the circle only made me feel more connected. The energy was flowing through all of us. It was wonderful, because it’s not every day that you are a part of an experience such as this.

Percussion or Passion?

It wasn’t the war of the titans, or a jugalbandi between the instruments or their players. It was just that each one, no matter what size or sound they produced was distinct and pure. As important yet depended on the other. A perfect harmony and balance, just like in life we play with strangers we meet and greet.

Alive.

We were all immersed in our own world of music with our instruments, yet, there was rhythm with the rest of the circle. Not one out, not one in. Not too fast, not too slow – just right. United I felt with strangers I hadn’t met, or may never meet. It wasn’t too long before I found myself into a trance. Living every moment and every pause that was filled with the pulsating music.

Euphoria.

If being music can feel this way, you won’t believe how silence feels after this. It was moving, a sudden cacophony of sounds of nature that hit me like I had just woken up for the first time. It was in a few moments of continued silence that the vibrations in my body and the sounds of the birds started to sound like the music we had just played. The feeling lingers for it’s been a long time since. I loved every moment of being a part of the drums circle. It was an experience of a lifetime.

Peace.

Thank you Bhumi.

Wow, never noticed it had been 2 years!

2010-02-15T19:20:00.000+05:30

So, my timeline reads that this wilderness is 2 years 1 week and 6 days old... :)

Dont know when we crossed the two years mark, but I am mighty proud. A bit late, but yayy! Its my blog b'day month I say :D

Okay, I know another crappy post... but I promise soon, I will write something that puts all these crazy posts to shame ;)

Hang in there

2010-02-06T01:37:00.000+05:30

Insane, Abnormal.

What have I done to deserve this?

2010-01-25T01:40:00.000+05:30

:D

Was suffering a serious issue with writers block for a while there.
There were too many thoughts, contradicting that were confusing me.
Enough to not be able to segregate them, and write about each.

But today, after a very long time, I feel free, and good.
May be its the sunday. May be its just the thought of being able to write again

:) May be its just my rambling ;D

Anyways, I am back, and you should look forward to more from me, of me

Samvidha!

2010-01-20T12:15:00.000+05:30

And I am Bizzy, Busy is more like it.
Interesting, with what may be the next question,
Answer would be - I dont know.

Honestly,

Glooming Days

2009-12-20T22:54:00.000+05:30

This gloom, its come again.
See it laughs at us, and loves our state.
oh look, there, this gloom.

it stays

Its hazy now,with unheard cries
Silence, from that day gone by
Strange, make a note, this gloom

it stays

2009-12-14T01:14:00.002+05:30

and love hurts... so much, and so often these days...

Here's to songs then...

2009-11-17T19:37:00.005+05:30

Have you ever spoken to someone through a song?

I have.

When I was a child, my mum did. She sooo did, and still does. When I grew a little older, I did too.

My little sister, Suk and I crooned over several songs which had a big effect on our adolescent minds. Yes, even love was defined somewhere then for us as well. So were other emotions, anger, shame, shy, coy, furious, happiness, friends, and of course life.

Life to us was through the music we heard sharing the headfones of the old sony walkman that we shared, possesed rather proudly. We would sleep into the night with the music playing in each of our ears, singing softly with the song. Or, shaking our bodies (muscles more like it) to the beats of the songs.

Friends came along, friendships happened. Heart grew fond of some, and unfond of few along the way. Everyone moved on, and moved away but all through music stayed. Some of my earliest memory are of making 'my friend' listen to the song especially a stanza again and again, cause it beautifully expressed my emotion in the simplest way. Kids those day I tell you ... :D

Then came a time, when I disapproved this act of talking through songs completely. I thought that it too frivoulous, repetive and common. And not original. And so, I slowly but quietly despised and distanced myself from anyone who remotely had a tendency in that mode of expression.

But every now and then, I would come across this one song that would remind me of that one day, that one person, that one feeling...

Thats when I started dancing. My songs were not just expressions and words helping me communicate or convey to a third person. There was now a way for me to understand myself, my body, my moods - and my swings. Something, I was unaware existed and had barely noticed until then.

Somewhere between this and that, I met them. Music to them was life, like me. And they held a bigger treasure within themselves. Our world was small, and we like nomads between transition would start strumming and singing. Every song had a happy ending, and every word had a promise of a jet plane. Later when it all came to an end, it was earmarked with the graduation song in the end.

Music continued to play a big part in my life. A way of opening a new conversation with a stranger. Or expressing interest in others interest. Or even making bonds that last a lifetime.
Sonsg have that magic for me.

Nowadays, I listen to a song when I feel happy. I listen to a song when I am sad. I listen and dance when I feel elated.

And sing along when I am...well.... just I am :)

Here is the one that I have been humming for a while. Iktara, from wake up sid :)
Yes, I am talking through this song :D

Things I must do after I quit Google

2009-11-11T11:47:00.002+05:30

Learn French
Learn Adobe Photoshop
Buy A lens
Get back on with Bhumi
GMAT
Get A Permanent License

What Am I Really Scared Of?

2009-11-02T01:33:00.002+05:30

Honey And The Moon

2009-10-13T21:35:00.003+05:30

Vamsi, this ones for you :)

Don't know why I'm still afraid
If you weren't real I would make you up
now

I wish that I could follow through
I know that your love is true
And deep
As the sea
But right now
Everything you want is wrong,
And right now
All your dreams are waking up,
And right now
I wish I could follow you
To the shores
Of freedom,
Where no one lives.

Remember when we first met
And everything was still a bet
In love's game
You would call; I'd call you back
And then I'd leave
A message
On your answering machine

But right now
Everything is turning blue,
And right now
The sun is trying to kill the moon,
And right now
I wish I could follow you
To the shores
Of freedom,
Where no one lives

Freedom
Run away tonight
Freedom, freedom
Run away
Run away tonight

We're made out of blood and rust
Looking for someone to trust
Without
A fight
I think that you came too soon
You're the honey and the moon
That lights
Up my night

But right now
Everything you want is wrong,
And right now
All your dreams are waking up,
And right now
I wish that I could follow you
To the shores
Of freedom
Where no one lives

Freedom
Run away tonight
Freedom freedom
Run away
Run away tonight

We got too much time to kill
Like pigeons on my windowsill
We hang around

Ever since I've been with you
You hold me up
All the time I've falling down

But right now
Everything is turning blue,
And right now
The sun is trying to kill the moon,
And right now
I wish I could follow you
To the shores
Of freedom
Where no one lives

Shit Happens, and Life Stops.

2009-10-07T22:17:00.002+05:30

And So, I seemed to write only when Shit Happens. Well, I am so frustrated I haven't felt so in a long, long time. I have been telling myself that 'shit happens and life goes on.'

However, I d like to change this to 'Shit happens, and life goes back.'

Well, I am back to square one again.

Darkness.Tonight.

2009-08-24T20:50:00.003+05:30

In the darkest corners of my life I dont see him as someone who I can depend on. I see him more as a menacing shadow that follows me and beckons me into darkness. There are time when the shadow cant be seen that's when there is a lot of light - my sunshine. Rest of the times, I just lie low, hiding, crouching, waiting for time to pass.

There are times when the hidden darkness in me shows, I know. Left alone, my paws and fangs can hurt - and over the years they have only . Scared I may hurt someone. Mostly myself, I lie and hide, away from him - my shadow - away from me.

He hears me loud he hears me clear. I my whispers are stronger and louder than shouts in his ears. I make some noise I can hear him - louder, closer. I just wish there was someone to hold on. This darkness never ends. And I know, even if I escape my life will be left behind in the shadows.

Can someone live without a life? I ll know soon.

4 am Love

2009-08-17T01:48:00.004+05:30

It rained outside today but I dint notice.

I was thoroughly drenched in love today!

Just cause we were around until 4 am both ways...

And everyone deserves:

2009-08-15T12:02:00.008+05:30

to have a bed to call their own
to have a door to privacy
to have someone to dearly love
to have freedom to wear what they want
to have a friend they can call at 4 am
to be able to cook when they want to
to be sexually expressive
to walk looking up at the sky
to carry anything anywhere
to leave when they want to
to feel secure
to play in the park
to not being frisked at every nook and corner
to feel healthy
to a good nights sleep
to look themselves
to express themselves without inhibitions
to dance in the rain
to say 'No, Thank you!'
their sunshine
to close others out
to feel liberated

Then, spiritual freedom will be free for all, and not limited to a few.

May be - like animals...

2009-08-01T17:37:00.002+05:30

Ruskin Bond, Starts his Omnibus with the following words

"The day most completely lost is the day on which one does not laugh at least once"

And thats the reason why I enjoy his stories thoroughly! :)

Killed Piracy?

2009-07-22T17:59:00.004+05:30

Heard MoserBaer?

A year back you would have heard the whole film fraternity, and anyone even remotely associated with them crying out aloud for the thriving market of pirated movie VCDs and DVDs. Indians loved to watch their movies at a click of a button and throw away prices.

Fast forward a year later, MoserBaer is here to stay. With more than 10, 000 movies across all the filmdom of major regional languages, Bollywood, Tollywood, Kollywood, Mollywood, and so on. They have now captured the hearts of every urban and semi urban Indian who love their movies.

Promising not just a good time, with several combination of movies, you can also have your favorite movies home delivered at no extra cost. And the cost, you may ask - hows Rs 45 for a DVD with 3 movies?

The visual and sound quality of the movies on the DVDs and VCDs is simply wonderful. And what you may call as the best thing is that - you get to watch all your favorite movies - guilt free!

You can use the store locator option on the website, and find the vendor closest to you. Mind you, if you are expecting just one or two stores spread across your city, think again! They have ensured they reach the widest audience, across all small towns and cities.

After loading my self with several sets of movies, when I came back - I was a more than just a happy person. :) Go MoserBaser

Eyes On The Horizon

2009-07-13T10:24:00.003+05:30

And I don't look into anyone's eyes, they might catch something that I don't want them to see.
Eyes, after all speak more than words sometimes.

Today, I look far away, away from those pruning eyes, deliberately looking at the horizon far away. This may help me keep my tears away.

There is less to be said, a lot just understood. I hope he comes home, and things go back to 'normal' or whatever that may mean.

Like he says 'why dont people look at the flowers? and the bees?' It definitely would have been worthwhile I am sure.

Thanks For "You Make My Life Simple" Bit - That's what I am trying hard to do, and thats what I am here to do.

Eyes though, will still stay far away... May be they will see things I have missed. May be they will lead them to see those other beautiful things.

Hopefully. Eyes, stay there, don't look in this way, don't look inside me. Don't touch me, and cry me. I like the way I feel - a lil bit ok.

News To Muse...And Mark This Day.

2009-07-02T21:43:00.004+05:30

Michael Jackson passed away at his place - will miss being 'thrilled' by your music, and hope you are 'Moon Walking' somewhere.

Mumbai to Worli Sea-link Opened on June 30. Yay! Thats a great big step for india, that too in record time of 5 years. However, its become more of a museum, with a toll tax of Rs.50 levied for all those poor souls who are to to use it - wonder what a perk this is for the Indians - from the Govt. Of India.

No rains yet, partly cloudy sky since this morning. All await the 'out burst' of the clouds for the rains 'drop' to the ground, heavily. ;)

KitKat vanished, and we have no idea where she is since the last three days. Sukriti has been walking zombie, and we are all waiting eagerly to hear her 'meaow' :(

Closer home, Vamsi might come this feb (the coming feb) thanks to Ajanta getting married. :) Congrats Ajanta, this is one of the best news off late. And, yay! Some ray of hope, coming closer home. I look forward to 2010 already!

At work, one can see a touch of home these days with cane swings put up for us, wee, love them!

Lastly, my heart is filled with love and gratitude for all. Its a feeling where you can safely say 'I feel light as a bolloon.' I love floating in the air, slowly bumbing into things I am oblivious to. :)
Thank You Guys, I Love You All.

Two Years At Google, Can It Be Any Less Awesome?

2009-07-02T10:07:00.003+05:30

Today, proudly I can say I am Two Years Old At Google :)

Not, I am going to be two years old soon
Not, I will be two years in a few weeks
Not, I am almost two years at Google
Not, I am One Year, Eight Months, and 20 Days
Not, I am going to complete two years in some time...

Just Two Years.

Of Work, Laughter, Friends, fun, Love, Life, Dead lines, crib sessions, lunches
breakfasts, dinners, Movies, Nanking Nights, Team Meetings, Fusion, the fusionistas, and all that

:) Thank You Google!! :)

Samvidha

Google India :)

2009-06-30T15:07:00.003+05:30

Free Advice
free advice
Free advice
free Advice

Not Needing. Not Heeding.

Thank You.

Whats My Purpose, Now?

2009-06-20T12:39:00.004+05:30

What is my purpose?
To be with Vamsi?
To be with my advertiser?

No, to be true to myself.

Whats my purpose?
To get married?
To study further?

No, just stay in the now.
Do what is best at this moment And leave the rest to happen.

Whats my purpose?
To do the best I can to what is on my hand, on my mind.

Where does that take me?
Here. Nowhere.here.nowhere.here.nowhere

Am I happy?
Yes!
If I get married – would I be happy?
Yes!
If I don’t get married – would I be happy?
Yes!
If I study – would I be happy?
Yes!
If I don’t study – would I be happy?
Yes!

What matters to me?
To be alive!

To every moment, to every breath, to every sound, to every fragrance, to every touch and to every sense of everything around me.

Mere thinking about doing the things that everyone feels is right – you are just lying to yourself. Again, be true, be honest to yourself!

There is no right. No wrong. Everything just is. Doesn’t matter what choice you make, as long as you find happiness in being – in living, in the journey of life – everything else will take place in its own time.

Happiness is in the now, in the very moment you are living. It will not be delivered when you reach, or do something. It is as long as you live, as long as you are alive. It is. It just is.

Remember this. Always.

Monsoons are here, my first pictures of this years monsoons - Welcome Monsooooons!! :)

Baanvra Mann...

2009-06-02T19:24:00.004+05:30

Bavra Mann Dekhne Chala Ek Sapna
Bavra Mann Dekhne Chala Ek Sapna

Bavre Se Mann, Ki Dekho Bavri Hain Baatein
Bavre Se Mann, Ki Dekho Bavri Hain Baatein
Bavri Se Dhadkaane Hain, Bavri Hain Saansen
Bavri Si Karwaton Se, Nindiya Door Bhaage
Bavre Se Nain Chaahe, Bavre Jharokhon Se, Bavre Nazaron Ko Takna.
Bavra Mann Dekhne Chala Ek Sapna

Bavre Se Is Jahan Main Bavra Ek Saath Ho
Is Sayani Bheed Main Bas Haathon Mein Tera Haath Ho
Bavri Si Dhun Ho Koi, Bavra Ek Raag Ho
Bavri Si Dhun Ho Koi, Bavra Ek Raag Ho
Bavre Se Pair Chahen, Baavron Tarano Ke, Bavre Se Bol Pe Thirakna.
Bavra Mann, Dekhne Chala Ek Sapna

Bavra Sa Ho Andhera, Bavri Khamoshiyan
Bavra Sa Ho Andhera, Bavri Khamoshiyan
Thartharati Low Ho Maddham, Bavri Madhoshiyan
Bavra Ek Ghooghta Chahe, Haule Haule Bin Bataye, Bavre Se Mukhde Se Sarakana,
Bavra Mann, Dekhne Chala Ek Sapna

2009-05-29T07:26:00.003+05:30

.

Space. I want some...

2009-04-28T13:42:00.004+05:30

When I was just a little girl

I asked my mother what will I be
Will I be pretty
Will I be rich
Here's what she said to me

Que sera sera
Whatever will be will be
The future's not ours to see
Que sera sera

When I was just a child in school
I asked my teacher what should I try
Should I paint pictures
Should I sing songs
This was her wise reply

Que sera sera
Whatever will be will be
The future's not ours to see
Que sera sera

When I grew up and fell in love
I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead
Will there be rainbows day after day
Here's what my sweetheart said

Que sera sera
Whatever will be will be
The future's not ours to see
Que sera sera

What will be, will be
Que sera sera...

I made it count...

2009-04-16T12:27:00.006+05:30

:) Proud feeling comes :)

April 16, 2009.

2009-04-02T09:42:00.006+05:30

Feel like walking away from everything. Sudden urge to just fall out of every responsibility taken, every commitment made, every relationship mended, any thats broken.

Just walk out and leave behind a world built on strength of charecter, honesty, trust and emotions. Even writing all this sounds utter nonsense, and I just feel like tearing everything off like a paper into several bits and pieces.

Anger, frustration - for what? For whom? The unindentified, and the unknown.

Care for less, care for nothing else - Be careless! For once realise that there is no power in 'one' Understand that One cant make a difference, it only happened in history. And even if 'one' can, then the other 'one' has ALL the luck 'one' needs to survive in this world, and make THE difference! Otherwise, on normal days, for normal people 'One' really cant do much.

Walking out of the virtual world, and life I have created. Atleast I ll try to stay away for...not sure if i can complete this sentence. Things of the future, are anyays out of 'one's' hands.

Every woman should...

2009-04-01T21:17:00.004+05:30

...Choose her own life and live life on her own terms,

have the right to her own visions

but be open to a man’s idea too,

have unlimited desires, but keep her feet on the

earth, learn to love herself, her

reflection and her existence,

treat herself with chocolates and ice-creams and

give herself flowers, learn to

discover her own talents more

and more and confidently win everyone’s heart, at

times just let loose, but still be shy

and sophisticated, do the craziest

of things, like kiss herself good night in the mirror,

go for window shopping and satisfy

her interests, be at par with the

latest fashion, be sufficiently ambitious, determined

and gifted, be a little hard within,

but have that feminine instinct,

take the lead but let her man lead her too, and

always feel great about being a woman.

I really liked this, thats why I decided to put it up :) To all of my kind :)

2009-03-18T11:11:00.003+05:30

And If you have been thinking, thinking hard, of the way things are going. And whether, you want them to go the way they are. Just Wait. Hold. Breath. Talk.

And if in future you have a choice, fall in love with someone who lives just at an arms distance and not in different time zones. (Yes, the whole game of attraction, distraction, and the likes should take place with someone whose future is also in your vicinity)

If you dont want/have a choice, then like I said -Smile. Wait. Patience. Smile. Wait. Talk. Smile. Shout. Show Disappointment. Wait. Patience. Smile. Laugh. Love.

Things eventually do work out :)

Thanks for... umm... basically everything VammyPa. There are not many in my world who have the kind of patience, dedication and love you show. And So, I am choosing to say it in public, when I pretty much had a choice of writing you an email. If this in someway emarasses you, or hurts you :( Sowie, I promise it wasn't intentional. But Really! I would have been really burnt out had we had not had that talk :)

Thank You!!

Vicky Cristina Barcelona...

2009-03-03T16:07:00.006+05:30

...What A Movie!

What a name - curious, you start watching the movie wondering if you will even come close to liking it. You start watching, nothing makes sense. Two girls - normal girls, normal thoughts, normal conversations. Aaah, a chick flick! I thought so...

So, feeling a lil comfortable as now you are walking in a known zone - thanks to the categorizing you have done in your mind. You watch it more, and you slowly start connecting. Again, normal girls with feelings and thoughts on love. Normal guys around. Some you are irresistibly attracted to, and some you think are wise and so, you should just make do.

You have thoughts that fluctuate between 'a Rucksack and some change is all one needs to go on a "discovering journey" of life ' and 'lets be practical, lets have some cash, lets be sure, and have a steady footing - dreams I ll discover soon'

You understand the emotions behind each character, the thought process. You also reflect on your emotions, as you know you have felt each and every characterized emotion, at one point in time of your life, or are capable of feeling them if you allow yourself.

At the end of the movie, you take a step back and breathe.

For every person with his ideas, ideals, wants, needs, peers, conversations, learnings, dreams, love, disappointments, can see a part of the distinctly human.

If you stop believing and become practical about life, love and relationships - you are called a Cynic.
If you believe too hard and too long, long enough that you see your life passing right in front of you - you are called a Romantic.
If you believe and understand both, being practical and yet respecting those who believe in fairy tales and perfect love, - you are a Realist.
If you are the one who illuminates, and communicates light to the eye, or clear views to the mind - you are an Enlightened Soul. (May Be) However, there is a catch here, with all the worldly wisdom and understanding... you may get confused and end up a Looser.
If you are the one who knows yourself well, someone who is aware of the limitations of the other, yet you have some wants that are too difficult to fulfill - you allow yourself to become a Dreamer

Well, there is no hard and fast rule to these characterizations, but remember, these are just my interpretations of the characters. So, please feel free to find your own inference after watching the movie.

There are also times in the movie you admire the beautifully woven web of emotions and feelings that we as humans are capable of creating around ourselves - conflicts of the mind, and heart. Its the constant friction between what you want, what you need and what you get.

Simple things like Christina finding her passion thanks to the encouragement of Juan Antonio, and Maria Elena. I personally have discovered some of my best hidden talents after being pushed, prodded and pursued thanks to the encouragement of my world around.

The balance of characters, their emotions the constant flux of time, thoughts, and feelings.
lastly, just getting my thoughts together, I researched on Google, and Lo! No wonder, Penned by - Woody Allen!

Thought For The Day

2009-02-26T16:28:00.004+05:30

'There's always a lil truth behind every 'just kiddin', a lil knowledge behind every 'i dunno', a lil emotion behind every 'i don't care.' :) Wonder where did all the honesty go in this world?

Here is a rendition of stick figures and cartooning - one of my first. I know its quite difficult to see whats the conversation, please click on the image to see a bigger version :)

You Found Your Socket Yet?

2009-02-13T16:15:00.004+05:30

Smile. Couple. Candles. Mr. Love. Intimacy. Rose. Apprehension. Fulfill. Strawberries. Coy. Balloons. Sex. Bold. Dinner. Beauty. Kiss. Bankrupt. Promise. Miss. Affection. Flirt. Ribbon. Cupid. French. Vine. Moon. Dew. Anticipation. Story. Beach. Red.

So here is my most favorite quote 'Hope, Wish, Love, Live and Smile cause you deserve it all!!' Heres a video that I find very interesting. Hope that you all find your bulbs and sockets ;)

Love and Cheers

Sex And The Socket

2009-02-12T17:07:00.003+05:30

And so, the news around my world is all about how the Air India planes just missed crashing into each other. How Billu Barbar is now only Billu as Barbar hurts certain sentiments of a particular society. How the 'Pink Chaddi' campaign is catching up and how suitable it is to the attitude of RSS. How Pakistan has not charged Kasab yet and So on.

But the most interesting thing that came out of this discussion was the power of blogging. How just simple idea written with conviction and character on a topic that concerns several spread like wild fire (however weirdly dumb and inappropriate its practicality may be) among many. Ofcourse media, internet and word of mouth is certainly to be given the credit. :)

So, here is one of the videos that was floated around when the discussion persisted. Sharing it with you all as its a great one. Its called:

Iran: A Nation of Bloggers by Vancouver Film School (VFS)

Republic Day - Happy Samvidhan

2009-01-27T16:40:00.005+05:30

Republic day, the reason why my name came to life. Samvidha, or Samvidhan (संवीधान) is the word for 'Constitution.' And Republic day denotes the adoption of the Constitution before the transition of India from a British raj to a Country governed by its people (republic) on On January 26, 1950. Its the reason why we are a free and independent country today and have an independent jury, laws and courts. This was only for those who needed a brush on their history ;)

Well, more on the story on how my name came about. It was the day my Father sat biting his nails outside the Trimulghery Military Hospital :) While My grandparents sat reading the 'Hindi Milap.' The head lines read that this was the day when the Indian constitution (भारतीय संवीधान) was conceptualized and adopted many years ago, 1949 to be precise :) And so, right then my grandma decided, that if it was a girl (Which I am) the they would call me Samvidha :)

Therefore, this day is special to me in many ways. Mostly because it reminds me of the many people who connect me to this India I live in now. Thanks to the history lessons that eventually followed over the years aka Countless Story sessions with Daadi and Baba. :)

Here's to India, Indians, Bhumi. Cheers!

Octapodi - About Love, Life & that chase...

2009-01-23T17:02:00.005+05:30

Octapodi

Its a little love story of Octopus'

Was watching all the short films (Animated category) nominated for Oscars this year, and I totally fell in love with octapodi! The concept, the two octopus', the chase, the fun, the scare and Love.

I see it as a love triangle, taking place between pink octo' and the orange octo' and the man (who rightfully bought the pink octo.) And gradually I understood the reason for the man to chase the octopus' and the octopus to chase her love. Each one equally right in their own terms. The one who was empowered by the society, pocket and stomach, and the other bonded by heart, emotions and love. The movie although is a 2.25 mins duration is enough to live a life time through kaleidoscope. Again, this is my perspective. :)

And... even after the man is eliminated, the triangle lives on, again - a war with the matters of heart and stomach,

So.... Here's to the constant chase of Love and Life!

As the new one rolls in...

2009-01-21T09:38:00.004+05:30

What can be said in New Year rhymes,
That's not been said a thousand times?
The new years come, the old years go,
We know we dream, we dream we know.
We rise up laughing with the light,
We lie down weeping with the night.
We hug the world until it stings,
We curse it then and sigh for wings.
We live, we love, we woo, we wed,
We wreathe our prides, we sheet our dead.
We laugh, we weep, we hope, we fear,
And that's the burden of a year.

Wish For A Happy & Meditative Year Ahead! :)

2009-01-04T02:29:00.002+05:30

"If you haven't got love in your heart you haven't got anything. No dreaming, no story telling."

Thanks For all the stories, Love.

:)

Sparrow Dance

2008-12-23T19:13:00.005+05:30

Sparrow dancing! Apparently, I dance like a lil sparrow :)

This came about while talking about 'Witch of Portobello - Paolo Coelho' with my cubie, and a good friend Archie, expressing how the book has transformed the way I dance.

:) Some transformation I say!

Best Compliment ever; I love sparrows :)

Post Script: This particular post has attracted attention from people worldwide, I guess because most of them wanted to see/read something about the dance of sparrows. Apologies, if this in any way has mislead you. For you all, I was fortunate to be able to shoot sparrows showering. These are Indian Sparrows found in Hampi, close to Karnataka. These pics, I hope, do not dissapoint you. Do leave your comments behind... its good to read your thoughts!

Kahlil Gibran - On Children

2008-12-02T16:49:00.002+05:30

This post is meant more for my muse.

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let our bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

2008-11-24T09:40:00.006+05:30

Amour

I love the smell of Fevicol, fresh and white when the lid is opened. Thats why I sit near the door close to the carpenter who uses it lavishly on his work.

Phenyl, is another fragrance that I love, and so, when she wipes the floor, I tend to put my feet up and take in the clean smell and smile at her :)

The unmistakable fresh smell of wet mud, soil parched from the scorch and heat of summer, thrilled at the joy of rain, wetting it and wetting our minds with happiness emanating through cantible fragrance. I like to stand on the porch mooning over the patter of water and breathing in on the freshness

When in kitchen my sense of smell is again delirious with many many things, however the time when I add garlic to oil, I know I am more alive in that moment.

And then again, the most gratifying smell in the world is to wash your face with soap and water, and with closed eyes grope for the towel and find it starched and ironed and smelling surf :) Thanks Amma

In the night when I walk in late, tired in my bones and all I see is my bed, its the inviting blanket and my bed that beckons. The familiar smell of my blanket once I slip into it, gives instant comfort and welcomes me into that peaceful sleep

Some of the most amorous aromas that I can never forget are:

Ma
Jaggery in her mouth
Dads old files
The kerosene stove
Hakka Noodles - The smoky Wok
Pears - The Soap
Fresh, Red Apple
Juicy Mango
His fur
That Old Trunk
Gas
Coriander leaves
Eucalyptus
Chana (chick pea)
Night queen - Raat ki rani
Broken milk for cottage cheese (process of making paneer)
Babies!!Johnson & Johnson minus poop :)?
Old Rupee notes
After bath smell of the bathroom
Fresh warm clothes - ironed by the coal Iron (Istri)
Him
kolapuri Chappals
Felt tip pen
Coffee!! ummmmm
developing studio
kangdi

Phir Dekhiye

2008-11-21T10:07:00.007+05:30

Aankhon Mein Jis ke
Koyi Toh Khaab Hai
Khush Hai Wahi Jo
Thoda Betaab Hai
Jindagi Mein Koyi Aarzu Kijiye,

Phir Dekhiye

Honto Pe Jisake
Koyi Toh Geet Hai
Woh Haare Bhi Toh
Usaki Hi Jeet Hai
Dil Mein Jo Geet Hai Gunguna Lijiye,

Phir Dekhiye

Yaadon Mein Jiske
Kisika Naam Hai
Sapano Ke Jaisi
Uski Har Shaam Hai
Koyi Toh Ho Jise Apna Dil Dijiye,

Phir Dekhiye

Khwaab Buniye Zara,
Geet Suniye Zara
Phul Chuniye Zara,

Phir Dekhiye

2008-11-12T17:05:00.001+05:30

May be silence is and will remain the best policy with matters that concern people. Kill the problem even before it is blown out of proportion.

A Jaunt to remember

2008-11-11T18:54:00.005+05:30

And it was suddenly decided that We 'Bhumi' would go to Warangal for Rakesh's Bro's wedding. I was lucky this time as there was Kaddu for company. Things happened quite fast and quickly and the next thing I knew was being doled into Rahul's car with Harish... Looong drive on looong stretch of this snaking road that just kept going on and on and... We followed. :)

The drive was everything that most of the long drives with friends are :) Lots of laughs, and songs and karaoke and 'loose control!!' Some rather funny moments some fights over what songs should play and some scary-touch-me-not leg-pulling.

Great scenery - I swear Andhra roads are in such good condition when compared to other states. NH 202 took us through Hyderabad the city, to small towns and then villages, and lots of fields and smaller bleak and obsolete villages (This time there was lot of cotton growing apart from the usual wheat and rice.)

Starting early in the morning around 7 we reached Warangal at 11. A quick shower and change of clothes saw us transform from Wannabes and cool dudes to kurta pajama and suit clad good homey people. The wedding was way over by the time we finally parked our car. Such a different feeling to attend a small-town-wedding. Everyone who is anyone must have been there. Small delights watching girls in langa odni :) and flowers... Its been so long since i saw people adorn flowers as ornaments. And Indian Flowers to be precise - Wild roses and jasmine - No hybrid lot there!

Lapping on the food and then again we were off to Lakhnavaram. An obsolete lake (still not on Google maps) some 60 kms from warangal took us by surprise. If we NH 202 had taken us from cities through towns and villages. We now reached great expance of fields in varied colors and just a house between them. Barn owls and little birds the kallu man and his pots on the trees was a delight in every sight.

Lakhnavaram, was the icing. The fresh inviting water and the autumn leaves that caught to the trees for their lives with beautiful colors of autumn on display. The water all around and the sunset was just the most picture perfect and meditative moment I have ever lived in.
the tranquility and the stillness in the moments can be felt even when hooligans around :)

Dips in the water and lots of masti later we finally had to leave that beautiful place. It hurt to find out that the government has plans of commercializing the place. What about the stillness? The cleanliness in the air and the beauty in everything? Paved roads and ticket counters are most appealing to some I guess!

The drive that followed is forever etched in my mid. Stimulating talks over heart of the matter things with Mujeeb driving the car with kaddu in the navigators seat :) I have an uncanny feeling that I a car person, be it driving, or traveling. I love cars and its like a basic instinct come alive - especially on highways. Thanks Dad! For taking us all over the world in your four wheels. :)

We stayed at the guest house of the National Institute of Tech. Warangal - Perks of having a friend who is an alumni. The night was still young I guess, cause what followed was tuned guitar and percussion and songgggsss... :) Thats how that one day ended. :)

The next day we explored the Thousand Pillar Temple, the Warangal fort (drive through). My cam was sadly not available as I had no battery! So... Sony ericson phone sufficed to leave us some memories. That evening we left in a bus. Bringing our all too lively jaunt to an end.. leadng us back into the world of noice and cars and the usual city ramble. Hmmpff What a week it was! :)

Louly place, Louly people, And Louve! :) What more can someone ask for?

Fresh Ho Jao!

2008-11-06T19:10:00.012+05:30

A fresh perspective thanks to the new ads on TV. My favorite, hands down is the Limca Fresh ho jao ad - 2008 . The most outstanding thing about the ad apart from beautiful camaraderie between the actors and some great camera work, is the song that makes a lot of difference to the ad.

Here is how the song goes, and a literal translation for my not-so-fluent-in-hindi-speaking-friends! :)

Phuhare, bouchare, nazare chura lo na, kuch boondein chura lo na.
Thanki si zindagi se, ruki si zindagi se kuch lamhe chura lo na.
Kuch Yaadein aur sapney apne chura lo na

Oh! thaki si zindagii se, ruki sii zindagi se raftaarein chura lo na.

The girls singing, taunting... requesting lover, singing

"Fountains, showers, and beautiful scenery... steal them, steal them please.

Steal a few drops of them..
lets steal it from this tired life.

Lets steal them from this "halted" life
come steal a few moments please
some memories, some dreams, lets steal them please...
oh this halted life, this tired life; lets steal the speed (life) from it... please..."

Destiny vs Free Will

2008-11-06T17:55:00.007+05:30

I have been thinking, the various decisions that I have consciously made, in past (and will in future as well) - Are they really mine? Or was it a silent "divine intervention." Was it destiny that lead me to them or my conscious self talking?

Simple things I have done to life changing events like going to St. Francis, Applying for Mass comm making some beautiful friends for life time or meeting Vamsi or joining Google, or finding Bhumi. Sometimes, I like to thing that it was a conscious decision which makes me feel responsible, and sometimes I like to think it was destiny which led me to it which effectively makes me (what?).

However, at this point in time I am thinking that its both. Partly destiny and partly conscious choice. Certain things are just meant to be, you will find what you are seeking ( and that it comes to you). And if you are seeking then its your destiny.

Choice comes into place when you reach a part of the road map destiny has mapped for you and you are standing at the crossroads. its when you decide to do that thing you do (or not do) which again sets the ball rolling and destiny is at work again taking you to either the map chalked out or creating a new map followed by your decision.

Which makes me believe that there is no wrong or right in this life. There is all that I can do, and most time, I as an individual prefer to feel responsible for myself. And so, I rarely disregard my free will and almost always like to tickle the destiny's spirit of adventure.

Richard Bach is a great read in this regard, would like to touch bases back with him, once again.

To that Cheers!

Diwali ...

2008-10-26T21:41:00.002+05:30

Time to spend time with them, the beloved ones.
Time to enjoy their smiles,
As the sparkle lights your eyes
And makes our lives bright.

Time to enjoy what others gave you
Time to light those lights
As the crackers catch the spark
And bright the sky is lit in the night.

आप सब को मेरी तरफ़ से दीपावली की डेर सारी प्यार भरी शुबकामनाएं

Another one, another day.

2008-10-17T16:58:00.003+05:30

At blue cross, with our pup look alike.

She Survived the night (Wooohoo!) and survived the bumpy auto ride(WhOhA!) ... and the bike ride! (Yayy!) Blue cross doctor had a look at her and explained that her lower beak was broken. Chances of survival were very low. Although they would wire her beak so it would hold together, not sure if she would be able to eat anything.

One of the pups for adoption

For now she is being taken care of. So beautiful and so pretty. And still so egoistic :)
I admired the way she fought each time the box was opened, fought for her freedom, fought to be out there where she belongs.

:) Some pictures of the ones who 'Made It' with candid pics for memories :)

The lil birdie who sang songs - We called her madam curie paani poorie

Another one...

2008-10-16T21:21:00.003+05:30

Another one...

A baby Dove, a baby stork, an injured sparrow, a blinded pigeon, a baby crane, an abandoned injured pup, a lil baby bird that sang the sweetest songs, and now a baby kingfisher. If I tried to count where and when this chain of babies entered my life, it wouldnt be easy for me to be able to recall the day and the date when they started coming into our lives, all I do know is that they just would come. Come to us, or we would find them. Somehow, we (my lil sisters) and I would find them ( these lil babies with lil hearts beating in them ) either at our door step or somewhere. Each one with their own stories....

Most of the times their tiny little hearts beating with a lil bit of effort were too fragile to save. There are no "success stories." It came naturally to us to get attached to them, even if they were with us for a few hours. We have tried to take care of them as best as we could. Some left me bleeding in my heart, and some leaving us so out of breath. The first one that died on us was the baby dove. It was our baby, the first one and when we took it to grave I felt like my heart was but in a plastic bag and sealed with no air to pass. Rusus passed away, and we decided that we wouldnt get another for as long as we could.

Then, they started trickling into our lives, the kittens were the cutest. Also, the nautiest and the ones that survived. May be cause they are mammals and have the basic instinct to survive. The baby stork was bravely sent back into the park, and the the baby crane was abandoned on the road, cause I was very scared of it and the BIGG beak it had. Yea Yea, the guilt I feel to have left it standing when I could have helped it had I overcome my fear still lasts. The most recent was the lil black pup who Sukriti brought home after she woke to hear him howling. It was injured and very weak. Someone said that it was abandoned by some kids who had taken the rest of the litter. We kept him that day,and he slept that night. We had decided to take it to Blue cross the next day cause other wise it wouldn't survive, we knew. We did go to blue cross the next day but he dint come with us. With the lil energy he had, he had slipped away from our house and although we had searched every alley we weren't able to find him. That night he came back and we were glad to see him although, he dint last to see that night.

Today, I was out trying to lock the gate of my cousins home, and I see this bird trying to reach high enough with the little strength her wings had. I see that with all the effort she puts in, she doesn't reach half the six feet wall. Her feathers are distinct, turquoise and brown. Her beak think and open. Somethings hangs out from it and she seems to not be able to close her mouth. I first go close and she feels my presence and tries to fly past the wall. Nothing. I go in and get a cloth so I can catch her, she again senses my presence and is scared. So she flies blindly in the opposite direction and hits straight into the other wall, beak first. There she lies unconscious when I finally get a hold of her. Still too young I can see doesn't have strong feathers to fly, yet. I look at her mouth and find something hanging, I try and pull it out thinking its something thats stuck in her neck. After a lil pulling (I feel so terrible for doing that ) I realized it was her tongue that was twisted in this weird way. It was dark, almost nine when I got her inside. Put her in a shoe box. By then, she had recovered from her shock and was ready to escape from me. Scary and angry she is at me for putting her there.

She now sits inside the shoe box. I have given her some water and I want her to survive. I cant bear another one to die on me. Its too much to take.

I am waiting for it to be morning again. Please be with me, dear god.

Shadows That Abet.

2008-10-03T08:36:00.006+05:30

Someone said love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition.

Question: What if you two start wanting completely different things in life?

What happens to The recognition. The acknowledgment. The Record. The faith.

Questions Unanswered.

My soul needs some peace for now. But how would it R.I.P if my mind and me do not sleep?

For now, watch the shadow dance.

Love, an endless charade.

2008-09-29T11:40:00.003+05:30

Love, what a charade. Too much of it in this world, everyone seems to be in love. The world no longer pretends to be made of such things as music and promises but announces it true nature, which is love.

The happiness on all sides is endless and ever deepening. This we spin, and spin, and spin trying to turn a moment of pleasure into forever, but why not lets make the most of it now, because it never lasts long. Always there is something that comes along, ready to spoil it.

An extract from Animals People - Indra Sinha.

Little Things - Julia A. F. Carney

2008-09-23T13:01:00.004+05:30

Little drops of water,
little grains of sand,
make the mighty ocean
and the beauteous land.

And the little moments,
humble though they may be,
make the mighty ages
of eternity.

Little deeds of kindness,
little words of love,
make our earth an Eden,
like the heaven above.

So our little errors
lead the soul away,
from the paths of virtue
into sin to stray.

Little seeds of mercy
sown by youthful hands,
grow to bless the nations
far in heathen lands.

:) one of the poems i sing very often. If not for Google, I would have taken me loong to figure who penned it down.

Of Bombs and Booms!

2008-09-22T18:13:00.007+05:30

And Boom! Rang that noise.
Everything was quite
A quite chill for seconds
before the fury came alive.
Of pain, and loss and cries.
The tears flowed with the rain and
the red of the blood that stained.

The roads flowed with flesh and blood
and the garbage stayed upturned
Shouts and hollers of life attuned
In the night the dead returned.
Iraq, Iran and America
Kashmir and Pakistan
Heard them say those things
the cries, and shouts and regular bombings.

Then the sound came closer
and until Hyderabad they came
then it was turn of Surat,
lets not forget Ahmadabad the same
Mumbai topped the list
while Bangalore was tested and tried

and then back to Pakistan with 60 dead, they cried..
countless cities amidst
countless cries of pain.
That sheered Saree
and the blasted limp
the odd shoe of my Muslim kin.

Destruction and death
grows on me
Like the branches of a tree
The roots go deep
not even the sap can seep
What can happen and how.
The question of whats in store
do we have a safe today, forget tomorrow

finding safe, and wanting safe
thats what I keep thinking about
anywhere or nowhere
finding it would make me mighty proud.

The rash that never dies
and the fire that burns my heart out,
need a spray, to paint them
or a rope to tie them
Oh!bring on those hoses dear firemen
lets see you wash them down
Bring out the buckets dear neighbors
lets all clear them out
One by one, we will take our turn
and fill the world to the crown.

If there is so much pain
lets for once pray and bring in the rain
Lets wash those tears out
and let the silence talk about
the love, the life and
the beauty in every heart.

To all the ones who smiled.

A lil girls Memory, and her fathers song.

2008-09-17T15:34:00.009+05:30

Preface: Before you start reading, let me fill in the gaps. My dad was a fighter pilot most of my 'lil girl life'. Off the many parties I have been to with him, the most memorable remain the bachelor parties. The excitement in the air and the music. It doesn't seem to evade me, ever. Although these memories are blocked, here was something that brought back the energy afresh. Bachelor Boy, a classic by Cliff Richard I heard someone humming in the corridor. An instant later, I had to ask him what was the song. The stranger told... and then I heard.

Here is the email I subsequently wrote to dad, and his subsequent reply.

Dear Dad,

They say the imprints of some music you hear when you were a child never leave you.

I am not sure how far it is true, but when I heard someone humming this song, I had some distinct and clear visions. I could see a band, and white... may be the uniform that was white, or the snow, or the sheets, or the paint of the room, or the socks I wore. I must have been really tiny cause my line of vision seems to be below the torso level. :) But I do know that I was instantly filled with so much happiness and love, and something else...

I could clearly visualize holding your hand while the song played. Was there dancing too? Were there bumps as well? I remember laughing, and happiness, I also remember you singing, or may be humming it... I am not sure.. but the picture it created was amazing. One song that I distinctly remembered and although I could not recall when and where I had heard it.

Do listen when you can.

Yours,
Me.

Dads reply...

Hmmm...must have been some sqadron party and group singing as far as I can recollect. Could be Kervincop uncle in srinagar/udhampur/hindon...he used to sing
with the guitar. But you were too small then...less than 2.

-Dad.

"Ha ha ha. May be." I replied saying "How does it matter? It brought back some beautiful memories to me."

Like I said, Do listen to the song.

Bangalore relived.

2008-09-01T18:19:00.006+05:30

Got back from Bangalore this weekend. My belief on everything happens for a reason is now set for life. Just a few months earlier I was all depressed ready to give up on life (A metaphor man...) cause I couldn't attend my cousin- Suruchi's wedding.

Today, I feel blessed. I am soo glad I went to Bangalore on this impromptu trip. Bangalore as a place has more malls than I can even count. The brigade road and the IT parks make it what it is known today. Every turn in Bangalore leads to a theater, or a mall. The one that that you cant ignore is how well dressed everyone is in Bangalore. Really! I was mighty surprised!.

Highlights of Bangalore
Maghaii Pan.
Death by chocolate
The Bangalore rain,
The funny caps the traffic police wears
The HUGE road crossings!
Brigade road,
Sarjapur road,
It parks scattered all over
Sun City
FM radio that played on all traffic signals, entertained.
Bangalore traffic,
Infini'tea.. a place where only tea is served.
Trek on Nandi hills
Beta, Motu, gagan and gauri, Amar
Hyderabad's Biryani
Suruchi and Gobind - Truly Inspired.

Thank you for an amaazing week. I am going to relive every moment many times over, in several lifetimes.

I Am My Own Clown.

2008-08-28T00:25:00.006+05:30

Don't go by the way I look
Cause looks almost always deceived.
I have looked inside and looked beyond
Somewhere down it feels like
I am my own clown

Sad and desolete
I am not sure what I see
There is nothing beneath me
there is nothing over me

Cover me over,
cover me with a sheet
There is darkness all so obsolete
groping my way, the pain just seeps.

Tougher it gets to find that feeling
somethings remains inside me
am I the fallen leaf floating in the wind?
or the dying walking with a stick

Sleep comes over me and i fall
deep, delirious, and drunk
darkness calls me
and I know I have to go.

Not sooner not later
may be now
the time; they say is now or never
is it me or just the world

There is happiness even in pain
I see it in sunshine and the rain
I feel it when my heart skips a beat
like a kid sliding down a slope

My heart misses and finds its place
deep inside in me
thats where it sleeps, leaps
hops, skips and jumps.

Things go round, and come back to me
Listen, even if there is no sound
is it my heart or my head
or is it just me thats dying, may be already dead.

The feeling of pain, misery and disdain
what is with every sound
no smile, nothing comes around
my worlds standing still.

Come falling on me my wind
take me with you where ever you go
let me breathe in what you feel
let me take in what you see

jumping on to my pony
I want to reach, laughing,
places; when there is no sound
colors in me, and around

I am happy, I know
I am my own clown

Flying on the water so wild

2008-08-20T11:38:00.011+05:30

"Water, water, every where,
And all the boards did shrink ;
Water, water, every where,
Nor any drop to drink."

The Rime of the Ancient Mariner
- Samuel Taylor Coleridge

This is how My mind could best describe the river rafting experience.
The water was fresh water, so not exactly undrinkable like the quote. However, I did have my share of it

Long time since I tasted a lil bit of adventure in life, So I signed up for a trip to Kolad, a small hill station near Raigarh, Maharashtra. From the word 'go' the trip seemed to have the right spirit, With all, and within all. The train journey was great. knowing almost no one on the trip has more advantages than disadvantages I say. There were so many times when I have discovered some amazing companions, and this trip was no less. Played Uno until my eyes hurt, and 'bluffed' my way through some fun moments!

On reaching Chembur, Mumbai we got into a bus which took us to Kundalini River, Kolad. The Camp River Wild, had enough rafts and guides arranged for us. All geared up in our helmets and life jackets and with an oar in hand we walked towards the river.

The water level was rising as it rained. River Kundalika is fed by waters released from Mulshi Dam and Bhira dam and provides 9 km rafting location with class 3 and class 4 rapids. As the best time to visit here, is the monsoon, when the water levels are good for rafting. However, what is interesting to know is that depending on levels of water, rafting can be done rest of the year as well.

Quickly Dividing ourselves into groups of 8, we stood close to our rafts. The thought of stepping into the water, gushing with all its strength gave me quite a chill in the spine. However, all the time i could not understand how am i going to raft in seconds? Am I tall enough, does my body have enough strength, what about swimming? I cant swim!!, and what about rocks , I could hit one and die forever... etc etc (like some people died for the time being :D)

It was surprising to see that how efficiently we were given a pronto training of how to handle the raft, the oar and all the safety guidelines. Along with that the forward peddle, the back peddle and then the wait and to just rest the oar on your knees and enjoy!

The rafting is done over an 8 kms stretch, a journey filled with high thrills over rapids lasting almost three hours. The thrill of River Rafting can hardly be explained in writing. You have to feel it to believe it.

One moment is all quiet, you are in control. Your breathing is slow, normal. The next you loose all control and the water takes it from there! Heart races, you forget breathing. The thrill of working in a team, keeping in pace with your self and the water. There is just so much that I felt in that raft than what these words allow me to I say. The water sprays, splashing at you as the raft finds its way - tingling you.

In time you are so spent that you are suddenly thirsty for the cold cutting water that you are ready to drown yourself, just so that you get to feel it in return. I realized what an irony it is. This is the same water you were scared to get into a lil while back, and now you want it to completely cover you. 'Drench you, drown you.' :)

The best was after crossing the rapids, the river turned much to quiet. That was the time when all of a sudden like an earthquake we were all thrown into the water. All my fears of what lay beneath came to life with the mangroves on both the river banks. All i could think of was crocodiles. Really? Fresh water crocs samie? :)

Anyways, a swim (more like floating in the water, as the water carries us to the shore) for more than an hour was just the thing that quenched my body's thirst for the water. The adventure had come to an end, just like it had started.

Post this the highlights of the trip included

Reaching Doctors Farm
The color Green
Rain. Wet. cold. Breeze. Quiet.
Living in bamboo dorms
Meeting some great people
Some common interests shared.
Lotus in the pond
The crows on the roofs
The trek in the wilderness
The food.
The sleep I had
Finding myself
Realizing myself
Silence
Loving myself
Discovering myself.
Living Myself.

Cloudy Tuesday, Sunshine Wednesday :) Yay Yay!

2008-08-13T09:56:00.005+05:30

Monsoons in Hyderabad, Finally!
Heavy rains lashed the city for almost two days and two nights followed by a cloudy Tuesday.
And today it was back to bright and shiny- Sunshine!

Umm.. I love sunshine but I love the rains as well.
Can we please have a lil bit more of dark, cloudy, (for some gloomy) sleepy mornings?

Suddenly the scene has changed from everyone cribbing that there are no rains to Oh! My These Rains!! Hmmpff... I am wondering what exactly is happening to this world? Almost always finding ways to crib about something or the other. I can hear them say "Oh! I cant believe the clouds gave away to the sun so easy!"

Really.. People!!?!!

Moving on, I Saw this movie called 'Into The Wild.' An awesome movie I say!
Quoting a line that repeats in my head from watching it. "Happiness is only real, when shared."

The Singing Butler is a final toast to my mood.
Persistently Optimistic.

I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair.

2008-08-13T09:05:00.005+05:30

I keep replaying this song.
And i concur with every word, every emotion and every phrase.

Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair
In seventy-seven and sixty-nine revolution was in the air
I was born too late into a world that doesn't care
Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair

When the head of state didn't play guitar
Not everybody drove a car
When music really mattered and when radio was king
When accountants didn't have control
And the media couldn't buy your soul
And computers were still scary and we didn't know everything

Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair
In seventy-seven and sixty-nine revolution was in the air
I was born too late into a world that doesn't care
Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair

When pop stars still remained a myth
And ignorance could still be bliss
And when god saved the queen she turned a whiter shade of pale
My mom and dad were in their teens
And anarchy was still a dream
And the only way to stay in touch was a letter in the mail

Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair
In seventy-seven and sixty-nine revolution was in the air
I was born too late into a world that doesn't care
Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair

When record shops were still on top
And vinyl was all that they stocked
And the super info highway was still drifting out in space
Kids were wearing hand me downs
And playing games meant kick arounds
And footballers still had long hair and dirt across their face

Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair
In seventy-seven and sixty-nine revolution was in the air
I was born too late into a world that doesn't care
Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair
I was born too late into a world that doesn't care
Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair

Artist - Sandi Thom
Introduced by Shweata.

Question - Why Is Vamsi So Irritating (Period)?

2008-08-08T19:06:00.006+05:30

So here is a question that I have asked myself again and again, and again.

The answer he gave me was "cause he is a bad person" very convenient and dealt in a very Vams'ish way. I am still asking.

Well, after a lot of thinking these are the things I have realized that are directly linked to my irritation and his behavior.

I am pretty scary.
I refuse to give a good reason for being highly unresponsive at times.
I suddenly go dark and moody
I have a tendency to speak in riddles that he obviously does not understand.
I like to play around with my feelings and his, like wise
I rarely listen to him
I like to talk when he is talking
I like to irritate a sane man and lead to "almost retard" mental status.
I am very very stubborn (especially with him)
I have major mood swings that can shoo away any one, leave alone this one pup.
I can get angry and stay like that for a long time
I can get angry and keep throwing tantrums assuming that the poor guy would know whats happening.
I refuse to budge.
I love the time he gives me a lecture
I love it when his maturity and sanity over powers me and my mental habits and I shut up and listen.
I love the thrill of a fight with him
I like to get the answers straight while when its my chance to answer, I like to throw pebbles and bread pieces on the way.
I can be highly demanding.
I have a great habit - I assume.
I hate my work. Period. However, while hating it, I start hating everything around me, and make everyone miserable. Him the most cause he knows, understands, and loves me the most.
I like to go the long way, not the highway.
I love to see his patient side with me.
I love it when he is tender and sweet
I love the fact that he can make me feel like a small kid, who tried to steal the cookie from the jar and got caught.
I have a problem.
I like to be pampered
I like it when after the fight I can feel the concern in his voice.
I fill in the blanks of the physical void by chasing other things

When I am irritated, and I hurt others in the process. Especially someone who loves me leaps and bounds.

Question - is it true that you hurt those you love the most?

Sad.

2008-08-07T18:30:00.003+05:30

Shades of grey wherever I go,
The more I find out the less that I know.
Black and white is how it should be.
But shades of grey are the colors I see.

Courtsey - Aswathy, and Billy Joel (Shades of grey )

What Would You Attempt If You Knew You Could Not Fail?

2008-07-24T18:05:00.005+05:30

Dot your 'i's and Cross your 't's

2008-06-17T08:23:00.004+05:30

This is not the only thing that I remember of my English teacher every time I think of her. An awe inspiring person who is so deeply etched that sometimes I can easily compare the similarities between her and me. A fair judge of character and the most enthusiastic teacher I studied under. I do not know how she is now neither do I know where she is, but if there is something I do know, then its surely that feeling that takes me back to my 6th std (and on...) Where she started teaching me English.

I had never had seen, or met, a teacher as enthusiastic about her subject, the children she taught, and the class she taught in, as her. Alive every minute. I have ceased to remember what was in the books that I so religiously carried in my bag to school. How ironic that teachers are not given as much importance in our life as books are, while its mostly them that keep the spirit of a subject alive.

I love English for the stories it gave me, and for the poems I read, more over I love it cause all my best memories of classrooms and school go back to English.

The way each character came alive every time the reader found its way on to Hemalatha Ma'am or Nagireddy Sir's hands. The magic they created with simple narration, anecdotes to add, and a wonderful smile they had for everything else. It just brought out the best in them - the books, the teacher, and of course the class. Thanks to them, my love for the 'subject' carries on. More over my respect for teachers and enthusiasm for teaching lives on.

Dotting my 'i's and Crossing my 't's, I move on.

IQ = 110 (seriously?!)

2008-06-16T17:45:00.004+05:30

So, i was browsing, and So i was reviewing some advertisers website for his landing page quality. I was only trying to do my job, and I must say that the website was pretty interesting and distractive. So, after 3 minutes of review, I am distracted. I do not realize that I am distracted by the attractive virtual world that we live in, until the time I am about to close the link, and get back to the pile of work that has collected.

So this website has nothing that mesmerizes me. Only one thing keeps flashing in my mind, right in front of my eyes "Test Your IQ Now" and so, without giving it a second thought I say "why not?" Two minutes into the page I am furiously writing some numbers trying to figure out the best answer. And expecting no results. After about 20 questions, I finish the test. Get my results.

Whats the result? I have an IQ if 110. Above average! Wow I am surprised to the core.
Above average? when? how? :) Tee Hee. I am not complaining. So, the wows for 'I am not Severely challenged.' I was never expecting my scores to tilt towards the genius too :) But, Yea. I am surprised.

The screen shot of the scores and the comparative results you can see. 34.1% of the people who take the test tend to fall in that bracket. Just random FYI. :)

Your Body. Your Rules.

2008-06-14T16:57:00.003+05:30

So, I have been watching ads on Youtube. Each with a real awesome slogan and some kick ass attitude to throw around. The best I found were these condom commercials. With the byline thats reads 'your body your rules.' and I am totally for it.

Here I am trying to find my niche and I realize that whatever 'that' means, I want my head on my shoulders and my heart in the right place. But most importantly I want the right attitude, that lets me say "Yes", when I want to, and "No" when I dont.

No words to mix, no emotional quizzes. Just black and white and nothing else in between.

Its not about the activity 'sex' that I limiting this attitude to as goes the commercial, It it goes beyond it. Hence rephrasing it, My life. My Body. My Rules. And really, if you want to shop peacefully, and don't want the same kid in your life - Wear a condom! :) If you do, enjoy

Awim-a-wep | Awim-a-wep |

2008-06-12T16:39:00.006+05:30

Oh! HowI love this song. I can go loony watching the hippo sing Oprah while the doggie does the jig.And unlike people who hate to make a fool of themselves in a crowd, or someplace, I very much like the experience of forgetting who will think what, where, and how.

Somewhere in between, I had become too shallow, for my own standards. What happened to the simple joys of having the freedom to watch what you want without any inhibition, what about the freedom to work at your own convinience? what about the freedom to approach anyone (ahem, I mean anyone!) and share a joke? or just smile...
Thankfully,I have come out of that shell now. All that is in the past, a point in the past. Now, my history.

The credit goes to 'The Freaks' who, given a chance would just love to sing the loony song. And then Google, for nurturing this loony side of me by placing loonier people around, and not pushing me to become a 'hot shot corporat'ishly dressed skinny woman :)

A workshop called 'Be Google' was conducted for us (one of the most open platforms for exchange of ideas and the Googliness I see around.) What I like d the most about the workshop was this feeling that remained from the beginning until the end - I am Google.

When the workshop came towards its end, I was overwhelmed with the feeling of how I am caught up with my own fears, my work load and the daily drowning drudgery of living due to which I have ceased to realize what a wonderful world it is.

Google is wonderful indeed. The culture we have, the culture we imbibe, and share and pass on. The facilities I get to use, The people I get to meet, mingle, and make friends with. Bonding. My team So happy and cheerful. Very rarely can you get a combination of all of this (I guess you never do.) And the freedom.

So, I am not going to be a cribbing goddess anymore. There is much more to Google, and being a Googler than what I saw and felt in the past. There is so much more to my world. Although, I do miss the walks in the cloudy monsoon. And of course, the outside world! My priorities have not changed. Yet, suddenly i want to love everything around me. Appreciate it for all that its worth.

The passion and the compassion that each person has for the other is a wonderful feeling. This time, this feeling i would love to remember, I want it to last. Like a love affair, I rather remember the heated, light hearted romantic moments shared than the sad, and depressing times I seem to focus a lot of my energies on.

I may be anywhere in the world. I will remain a Googler at heart, wanting to carry on forward this culture, the tradition, the innovation, the freedom, and the open and friendly ways to a next level. A new height and a whole new beginning.

I am once more falling in love with you - Google

I cant change.

2008-06-11T09:14:00.004+05:30

I have gone back dreaming
So you must lead me through the day
I will touch you night time
And in the loveliest way

I would feel the sunlight
But I could burn from everywhere
Now you must make me a shadow
I will shine for you in there

I can't change
I can't change
I can't change

My angel took her promise
And left with the worst of lies
How will there ever be a future
If everyone just dies

I can't change
I can't change
I can't change

I have gone back dreaming
So you must wake me in a while
You will see me leaving
You will get my morning smiles

My angel made my difference
Like no one really can
She left me here to love you
Please love me if you can

So... I love the spider!

2008-06-09T16:20:00.001+05:30

The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout
Down came the rain and washed the spider out
Out came the sun and dried up all the rain and
The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout.

I have always been inquisitive about this creepy, quick as a wink, eight legged creature that walks on the walls, jumps between two pillars and post, and I find it slier than a cat.

When i was young, what surprised me the most was to discover intricately woven web in all the cracks and crevices of my hiding places, each time I crawled into one. The spider was always there, much before me. The various cupboards that were dark and dingy, or if you scrap the bark of a tree, between the leg of a chair, or even the roof of the dining table.

Then, most of my reaction involved staring at the web and this eight legged arachnid's and slowly seeing my mind web a horror story of the spider jumping on me. Remember the lil miss muffet story? And lo! that was all it took for me to pop out of my hiding, thoroughly shaken and scared. Deciding to never to go into that dark and scary place again.

Since then, my relation ship with the spider has only grown. From shitting on the pot for stretched hours, watching it walk on the wall -horizontally upwards towards its prey. To finding webs each having its intricate homey feel. Sometimes, feeling lucky to see its prey caught in between. No. I am not a heartless person. Yet, I confess that I was too involved with my spider to give its pray more than a seconds attention in counting.

When watching was not satisfying enough, I started touching them, squishing them between my fingers to see the whitish liquid ooze out. Silently watching it twitch it's legs until it bit me on my finger as I saw it die. Ummm blame it on a child's curiosity ?!

To conclude, yeah, in one sentence I am inquisitive and mildly attracted to spiders.

So, when I remembered this song from my past I was compelled to sing it aloud. Made both my cube'es dread my singing at first, and then inspired them to sing along. And now, I am sure my memories with the spider will be etched in both their life history forever. Oh! not to forget how I tortured Vamsi, who was doomed to hear my hysterical cry (read: the song ) in all its glory.

Do sing along. :)

Into the sky.

2008-06-03T17:49:00.001+05:30

Spent the whole evening watching,
a cloud churn out shapes for me
From the scary wolf of the red riding hood,
to the old wise man from the sea.

It was all cool and dark this night,
bleak, distant stars twinkling in the sky
The wind was blowing high up,
while down here, the breeze gave me company.

Finest summer spent with thee,
drawing figures with fingers
Etching out shapes from within
on the stark black infinity.

Fighting fears with dolphins
and the monsters hidden underneath,
or watching the dog chase the bee
all within this cloudy glee

So I gazed on and on for long
as the wind sang its own sweet song
until the world beneath me vanished
leaving the night sky to call on.

Thats when world came
to a sudden halt; screeching
to a stand still, not a summersault
stilling the time in my memory

The night wore on in eternity,
long after the morning came
and a reckless sense happiness
stayed on within me.

:) sky gazing - I love it endlessly.

That thing you do...

2008-05-21T14:06:00.000+05:30

Have you ever wondered how do some people make 'the right choice at the right time'?

Blessed are those who have the knowledge that each decision taken has some sort of repercussion on everything that happens once the ball is set to roll. As simple as newton's law of motion - to every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Its easy to say you want a choice in things, matters concerning you and a step beyond. Like choosing the right career, the ideal 'road map', or even how to not die due to excess Carbon monoxide? But then i think its really a luxury to make an informed decision. To know what is right and what might not be. To have the foresight of what will take you where you want to be. Or to even have the knowledge of where you want to go, where exactly do you want to 'reach'?

Today, I guess I realize why they say "life is a gamble"

Do the wise know that 'they are wise?' Do they know that this day, when they take a step, make a move, they will be called 'wiser' cause the wisdom of they have received? Is there ever a divine intervention about their 'status up gradation' ? To have the knowledge where each successive situation will lead to, is not just a gamble of life and actions but a game well played.

I guess its all an equal proportions of faith, fate and familiarity with a situation that makes all the difference. To have in depth knowledge about the characteristics of each player and the best and 'ideal move' to make in one' .

As simple as that castle made of cards, or cycles parked in a stand in one file. One wrong move, or the wrong push and the whole structure crumbles.

I guess the conclusion is - none. If on some day you do know that the thing you are about to do is probably the best decision/choice you can take at that point in time :)

Then, take a minute and say 'Thank Goodness'. Its not everyday that you have the knowledge which tells you that you have the choice and that you have the capability to make the right one - 'An educated guess' is more like it i guess...