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Thursday, June 14

My Calling

There are often days when I come to this point where I am today. There used to be days where often I would to come to this point where I am today. This point you wonder? This point is where I wonder long if I'll ever figure out what is that 'thing' I want to do in life. What is that calling? Do I have a calling? Does everyone find their calling? If not, then how are so many people happy to be in the place they are now? If thats just 'floating happiness' then do they come this point more often than they like to admit?

I remember when I joined Google, I had a feeling very strong from the very beginning that I wasn't meant for a gigantic corporate. In fact, this belief set me back by two years at the work place. For the first two years, I would have soo many good days, what I like to call 'power working' days. These days would shoot me forward and then just as suddenly this feeling would hit me - that I am meant for something else, something different. And I would slow. On those days particularly I would be mellow and look at things in such a different perspective. So, the first two years I really spent reeling between these feelings. So, obviously, during those days I made the gravest mistakes and I had the highest highs at work. 

However, it was only in the last two years of my career that I actually realized something very vital. And it was actually only in the last two years of working did I actually feel like I was learning substantial things that I could keep with me where ever I moved next.

Why am I telling this now? Its going to be a year soon. A year since I last wrote anything substantial here, got married, quit job and moved to a whole different world, a new country and joined a completely new profile  - that of a wife and that too a stay at home wife *wink*

Well, why wink? Simply because I wanted to. And those who'd get it will get more out of it than all the words in the world. So, coming back to words - my realizations in the last few months are as follows

First,  in the last year of living this dream, I've had these very wonderful times or lets me say 'points' in my life when I just knew "this was exactly where I'd wanted to be and this is exactly the place I was meant to be at."

Second, these points came when I was doing things that are least important. Like these were things that one doesn't usually brag about. Like, cooking, or walking on the road while looking at the setting sun, watching the tree outside our window or following as my husband led me on the dance floor. And at these very minuscule and unimportant every day times, I suddenly became acutely aware of the fact that - "I am here. And all is well with the world."

And then there were times when I wondered long and hard as to what really was I doing? I saw my colleagues and friends move to "better things" in life. I saw them move to some really cool companies with a really cool-to-die-for profile. And then, I looked at myself, 25 married and homely, and happy with paper folding and playing with clay. I mean where was the "zest" in me. Every time, I met someone, I would say " I am taking a break to figure out what I want to do in life" And while saying it I would see that I was lying - white lie.

Fact was I truly dint care of what my calling was. I realized I was most times happy cooking up something in my kitchen or even baking. Some days, I spent the whole morning gazing at pretty food pictures, and some days I was happy sketching ideas of my pots and pottery. So, really, I knew that I wasnt really 'looking' to find something big. Looking to find 'my calling' because I was here.

Having said that I know I that sometimes, just sometimes, I do miss working. I know that if I go back working for a company in a rare case - I will actually work for the right reasons. Thanks to this time I've got to myself - and some conversations, I have figured out what my calling is, finally.

I just want to keep doing what interests me. That could be metal smithing today and reading a book tomorrow. But as long as I continue doing this and dont stand and wonder and waste time looking and waiting for a direction, a sign that tells me where I need to go, I ll be ok. The point that I was chasing has finally come to me. Its not really the light at the end of the tunnel that was my answer, but the tunnel itself. And finally, after this realization, I hope I enjoy the ride.

Yup, I am back. After a Happy Year of hibernation! :)

And to those who are still searching... keep looking. The day your at complete peace - stop right there in that moment, and then move on. Thats it, thats your answer. Good luck!


Agni said...

Wonderful post! It's good to hear this from you Sam :)

Harry said...

well, finally its good to know that atleast somebody has figured out their calling....kudos to u gal!!!