Do you need me?

A question, deep, dark and honest
quiet becomes the world
choices made, in haste
a look back, no regrets
it was the best, then
it is even better now


wonder what he'd say
gone though, on his way
alone i walk on each day
the puddles, and the breeze
smile, paint some more
a heart even, may be.


 

You're Beautiful

I have been in a relationship for almost 8 years now, married for 3.5 of those.Everytime, I've wanted to hear something nice, I followed this rule "you give to get it back", "what goes around comes around", "love the way you want to be loved" and so on and so forth.

So, if I want to hear "I love you" I say it to someone. If I wanted to be called beautiful, I'd say it aloud to TH first. If I thought I'd done something nice, I would compliment someone else first. All the good things first for others. "Samvidha, leave the best serving of the food first for the guests!"

Sometimes, I noticed that even though that was my favorite dish. And if allowed I would have devoured it and enjoyed it. The so called guests/special people absolutely overlooked it. It happened to me very often. I complimented you, but you forgot. When I thank someone, I  only get a "you are welcome" in return - not a Thank You! I tried "You are beautiful" What I got in return? <Odd look, and thanks!>

"Hey you did cool thing so well" What I got in return? "<Hey! Thanks!>" "Hey, you are pretty awesome! That was pretty cool stuff there" "<smile and thanks!> You get the hint. Wait, this doesnt mean that I dont believe in the butter fly effect. I do believe in kindness. I do believe in being nice. What I would love to change however is the need to fulfill my need to love and be loved,  experience affection, appreciation through some one else. Ofcourse, this too, cannot be a 100%. I mean, some of it does depend on the friends you have around you, the support system one has, the partner one chooses and so on. But the weight age of things has to shift. From Pareto's 20:80 where the focus depends more on external sources for gratification. It has to shift to 80:20 where gratification happens from within. Gracias or Gratitude for one self should happen at every point in time.  So that when it finally does come around. You dont go <Umm, sure, if you say so?!> but more <Sure, Thank you! I deserve that!>


Well, the point to write this note is not to show the modesty that surrounds me. But to show how I have been living to nurture my self through others. I hope to tell my self "I love you" and feel as good as it may have been to hear it from someone or even better!

I know that there is no one else who loves me more than myself. If I was ever given a choice to save one thing from drowning or a burning building - I think I'd first try and save myself. Then, I wonder, why cant I proclaim love for myself and appreciate the honestly in it?

Why am I conditioned to believe it when I only hear it from someone else? A lot has changed though. I do look at myself, and smile. I do see more of myself now. If I close my eyes, I can see myself standing in front of a mirror. A little more attention, and I am pretty sure, I wouldnt allow people to hurt me. I'd be my own hero!

All it takes is a simple switch. A click. And a gentle smile - and loads of forgiveness, for yourself and towards yourself.
Because 'You're beautiful'! "Yes, I am!"

Its Not Love If Its Too Civilised

No, I am not a crazy person who is talking about wild wild wild things in the bedroom. No, what I am talking about is the notion of how two people have to be in love and be civil with each other.  When it comes to love, we see red, we see hot, we see passion, we see long and happy living. But then, truth is - no relationship is perfect. No relationship is 'happily yada yada'! Everything from friendship, parenting, dating and marriage requires continuous involvement. Because, after every step whether its giving birth to a baby, or tying the knot - that is just the beginning of a long very long continuous and constant exchange of emotions, experiences, memories and more over individuals.  One often finds burrowed deep too deep - the honest and the real. Often too hard to reach out to and too messy to let it out.

I say, that its not real if its too civil and I don't mean that I would poke someones eyes out. But I mean one needs their space to talk raw honest truth. Its okay to be irrational and do things that would be frowned upon rather even be improper. If being able to be free and being able to laugh out aloud - if these are signs of freedom, love, and happiness, then to be able to shout, crying wildly, laughing hysterically, screaming loudly should be too. They are just emotions, if positive emotions need to be let out, then, so do negative (although, i don't think anger/frustration are negative if they are allowed to be shared openly.) And its important to see that these are just someones way of trying really hard to reach out to, to connect. And this should be given a thought. Yes, there is a a big difference between monster/dangerous and just healthy - that I cannot define here. But I am sure you get the gist.

Relationships often are not honest. Don't get me wrong, I said they aren't honest. I did not say they aren't earnest. I feel that often in our desire to belong, love, and be loved - we often find ourselves too quick to promise things that we feel are very much within our grasp (blame the adrenaline) However, from personal experiences, I know that the promises made were in earnestness. But when I look back, I do know that even though there was awareness of not divulging in pure honesty - I overlooked.

Infact, that brings me to the next part - how do you know if what you are feeling and saying are not the most honest/truthful words you have spoken? Well, I don't think that at that time we realise the impact of it all. Honestly, the signs are everywhere - in our parents, in other marriages yet even if the wisest sage comes and tells you this - I believe, we'd overlook. Its only later, years later do we realise what we did and how it worked out. Often, I find myself in places where I hold back this instinct to please, to say the right thing. Its just a big trap. Instant gratification. You give in to it to get it in return. Most times, its easier said than done.

Because, its only in these deep and honest times does one find 'the real conversations.' The essence of togetherness comes out when the height of individuality speaks in a voice that holds honesty, assumptions and your own truth; your side of the story, your story. And when you look back, its these moments that stand out and make you understand yourself, and your partner more. So, feel free to let go of the 'ideal.' To break away from the 'should be' and the 'right thing to do' and be open - to freedom.

Finding Me, Again

There are lots of things I want to do. 

And I would love it if we could do them together. 

But I know that you are as stubborn as I am.

And that waiting for you will only mean
I let time pass me like a fistful of sand.

I have come away, far away from you

To see if I have it me, the honest love

The truth that I see in your eyes

When you experience that moment

And live it like it has filled your heart.

When life is not just an idea 

But an experience that waits to be lived

When finding yourself is more than a dream

But a dire need, indeed, I found you

In my darkest hour to be my brightest light

Having stood together, and sharing views

Of world, wisdom and life before us

Its time for me to find if this happiness

Is from you, or really from within me

If its something I borrow from you 

Or if I too have it in me, to see, love and live

I fear that I will suck the life out of you

My borrowing nature will take away

Whatever you are, that you hold so close

And leave you tired, hungry and broken

And leave me like that plant that has sucked 

The life out of its own life giving tree

I want to laugh because its funny to me

I want to 'Wow' because its 'wow' to me

I want to sing, because its melody to me

I want to dance because its rhythm to me

I want to learn because its interesting to me

I dont want to wait for a cue

I dont want to watch your face for lines

Of expressions to tell me whether its okay 

To laugh, be serious, or cry

I want to be independent enough, 

So that I am not the only one leaning on...

I do not think that its good for me 

to live in your shadow, as I have. 

I do not think that I should be so dependent

on you that even crossing a road gives me shivers

If i dont find you by my side

I do not want to be responsible 

For the person who brings unhappiness 

Into our family. The two of us. 

I too want to have a pretty heart

A beautiful mind, and love in my eyes.

So, that one day, when you are tired,
You too can lean on me, catch a breath

Learn a song, dance some moves

And when we come together, for a kiss

Our love, glows, grows and us happy