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Thursday, June 14

My Calling

There are often days when I come to this point where I am today. There used to be days where often I would to come to this point where I am today. This point you wonder? This point is where I wonder long if I'll ever figure out what is that 'thing' I want to do in life. What is that calling? Do I have a calling? Does everyone find their calling? If not, then how are so many people happy to be in the place they are now? If thats just 'floating happiness' then do they come this point more often than they like to admit?

I remember when I joined Google, I had a feeling very strong from the very beginning that I wasn't meant for a gigantic corporate. In fact, this belief set me back by two years at the work place. For the first two years, I would have soo many good days, what I like to call 'power working' days. These days would shoot me forward and then just as suddenly this feeling would hit me - that I am meant for something else, something different. And I would slow. On those days particularly I would be mellow and look at things in such a different perspective. So, the first two years I really spent reeling between these feelings. So, obviously, during those days I made the gravest mistakes and I had the highest highs at work. 

However, it was only in the last two years of my career that I actually realized something very vital. And it was actually only in the last two years of working did I actually feel like I was learning substantial things that I could keep with me where ever I moved next.

Why am I telling this now? Its going to be a year soon. A year since I last wrote anything substantial here, got married, quit job and moved to a whole different world, a new country and joined a completely new profile  - that of a wife and that too a stay at home wife *wink*

Well, why wink? Simply because I wanted to. And those who'd get it will get more out of it than all the words in the world. So, coming back to words - my realizations in the last few months are as follows

First,  in the last year of living this dream, I've had these very wonderful times or lets me say 'points' in my life when I just knew "this was exactly where I'd wanted to be and this is exactly the place I was meant to be at."

Second, these points came when I was doing things that are least important. Like these were things that one doesn't usually brag about. Like, cooking, or walking on the road while looking at the setting sun, watching the tree outside our window or following as my husband led me on the dance floor. And at these very minuscule and unimportant every day times, I suddenly became acutely aware of the fact that - "I am here. And all is well with the world."

And then there were times when I wondered long and hard as to what really was I doing? I saw my colleagues and friends move to "better things" in life. I saw them move to some really cool companies with a really cool-to-die-for profile. And then, I looked at myself, 25 married and homely, and happy with paper folding and playing with clay. I mean where was the "zest" in me. Every time, I met someone, I would say " I am taking a break to figure out what I want to do in life" And while saying it I would see that I was lying - white lie.

Fact was I truly dint care of what my calling was. I realized I was most times happy cooking up something in my kitchen or even baking. Some days, I spent the whole morning gazing at pretty food pictures, and some days I was happy sketching ideas of my pots and pottery. So, really, I knew that I wasnt really 'looking' to find something big. Looking to find 'my calling' because I was here.

Having said that I know I that sometimes, just sometimes, I do miss working. I know that if I go back working for a company in a rare case - I will actually work for the right reasons. Thanks to this time I've got to myself - and some conversations, I have figured out what my calling is, finally.

I just want to keep doing what interests me. That could be metal smithing today and reading a book tomorrow. But as long as I continue doing this and dont stand and wonder and waste time looking and waiting for a direction, a sign that tells me where I need to go, I ll be ok. The point that I was chasing has finally come to me. Its not really the light at the end of the tunnel that was my answer, but the tunnel itself. And finally, after this realization, I hope I enjoy the ride.

Yup, I am back. After a Happy Year of hibernation! :)

And to those who are still searching... keep looking. The day your at complete peace - stop right there in that moment, and then move on. Thats it, thats your answer. Good luck!

Wednesday, May 16

Grief and its stages

They say grief occurs in 5 stages

First, Denial: "I feel fine."; "I am ok" ; "I dont need anyone" ; "I can live without..."

Second, Anger: "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; '"Who is to blame? When you reach this stage you realize that denial cant last long. You have times of heightened rage and anger. You get angr with yourself, with people around you, especially those you are very close towards.

Third, Bargaining: "If only...", this is the hope stage. Where you look for if onlys. A negotitation with the higher power and the past

Fourth, Depression: "I am So Sad". "I just wish time would stop now, I want to not go anywhere"Depression could be referred to as the dress rehearsal for the 'aftermath'. It is a kind of acceptance with emotional attachment. It's natural to feel sadness, regret, fear, and uncertainty when going through this stage. Feeling those emotions shows that the person has begun to accept the situation.

Fifth, Acceptance:"It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
In this last stage, individuals begin to come to terms with the fact that it all comes to an end. Its part of the cycle and that they'll move on. This stage varies according to the person's situation. People dying can enter this stage a long time before the people they leave behind, who must pass through their own individual stages of dealing with the grief.

Read about K├╝bler-Ross model called 'Five Stages Of Grief.' A really wonderful theory. She believes that these are more or less the common stages of grief. Someone who has lost someone, or broken up, or is battling a disease and so on does go through these stages. However, they dont have to be in the same chronological order. Read more on Wikipedia or just buy her book called "On death and dying." Its worth It!

Tuesday, April 24

If you had an idea and did nothing about, time has gone past now. Its too late. Its long gone.

Forget it and move on...
2 things: 
One; a blog on All things brand new - a peek into our lives - the new, the newly wedded. 
Two; iVU


Wednesday, March 7

Longest time, no see... (The Present State Of My Mind)

Hello  :)

Its been longest ever since we spoke to each other, I know! Yup, lots has happened since my last soul-post. Lots of life changing event as we call it. Yup, I got married. Yup, I left Google. Yup, left hyderabad and all that was home. Yup, moved to the US.Yup, have my 'own home'. And my 'own' husbamd. :D (I know, bad joke, I've gotten hugely rusted!) coming back to what I was telling you - Nope, marriage wasnt the reason why I stopped writing. "then why and what?" you ask. Well, if you want to know... after all these changes in my life, I had many many conflicts as you can imagine. With the world, with the 'new room mate', with old hearties at home, and mostly - myself.

During all that I just had no idea what and how was the best way to write and share my state of mind - also cause it was sooo dynamic. Today it was jumpy and the next moment it was downright troubled. Had I chosen to write then, I would have only confused the situation further. To add to this distressed state of being, I had very little access to internet and a keyboard. Now however, I do, albeit temporarily and I plan to make good use of it.

I have also been playing with several ideas in my head almost every single day. And today I wanted to take this opportunity to share it with you all, and also get your feedback on it.

So, since I have moved here, I am not really the same Samvidha anymore. I mean I am still the same, but there's a lot that's changed around me. Lot of interesting things I have done and tried doing, lot of things that have become a part of my lifestyle thanks to a happy-to-be-creatively-involved-spouse & lets-try-this-as-well feeling. So, in the last 6 months, I have gotten involved in pottery, quilling, tango, weaving, metal jewellery designing, cooking, baking, and origami. And so, this makes me a new and improved and more interesting Samvidha - dont you think? :)

So, with all this happening, I wanted to have a place (a blog?) to post and share what I have done recently with you all. This was not only to understand the progress I make within each of the activities, but also to share with you these extremely small yet significant accomplishments and insights while I am at it. Of course this includes all the feedback and pat-on-the-back as well from you all. So, I thought at first, may be I should start a food blog but then I realized that doing a food blog wouldnt do justice to the rest of the activities. Also, my sole passion isnt just food! So, I am thinking about something like a "SamStaysActive" page. I dont know, I am yet to decide on a nice name (any suggestions, do share them - please :)). Another variation of the same thought was that I could also make it a Samvidha&Vamsi page where I could share things that both of us do including glass blowing which is very much vamsi's forte.

So, how do you like the idea? Help me decide, please! Would love to hear your thoughts, suggestions or variations of it.Anything - just anything!

Oh, and yeah & lastly here's a song to soothen those nerve. Its called Delicate by Damien Rice.