Thursday, April 24
Bridge Under Water
And life only gets messier and more complicated as each day passes. I only seem to loose that limited motivated sense of devotion I had for myself. My perspective of life and living has changed a manifold and I haven't got an iota of energy to fight this battle of life. There are several times when I am tempted to just put an end to this misery. Arrrh! Something I cant/cannot/couldn't think of doing earlier even if my worst night mares came true. And today life itself feels unimportant. I fake, I fake happiness, I fake joy. Hell! I can even fake depression these days!!
I fake cause i think i haven't forgotten what it feels like to be happy? Or is it that i have put and awful lot of mind over this matter? I confess that I no longer can i appreciate those small delightful insights in life that would instantly lift my mood and lighten my heart.
All I see is death. how ironical, even death felt beautiful at one point in time. I am compelled to feel incomplete. Dissatisfied and distasteful of my life.My interaction with the world is limited beyond a normal mans comprehension and understanding. To him, the normal human being, I work at what seems to be the most ideal place in this world - Google.
But as they say, 'someones Gold is another's God'. All I only thank God that at this point in time, I at least get to see the sun once everyday before I am confined within the drawn blinds. This depression and constant feeling of dislike has some serious repercussions on me and on those few who are close to me. I don't want to blame my situation at all cause I know that this lil bit of compromise, this lil bit of hardship brings me a step closer to where I want to be.
I remember as a child I was reminded repeatedly by several people these four words that seem to repeat in my mind like a stuck tape 'no pain, no gain'. So, i guess this is the bittersweet pain I have to withstand, just like another of those 'testing times.' I just want to close my eyes and want someone to whisper assurance that I will see it through. Soon, i am sure.