Longest time, no see... (The Present State Of My Mind)

Hello  :)

Its been longest ever since we spoke to each other, I know! Yup, lots has happened since my last soul-post. Lots of life changing event as we call it. Yup, I got married. Yup, I left Google. Yup, left hyderabad and all that was home. Yup, moved to the US.Yup, have my 'own home'. And my 'own' husbamd. :D (I know, bad joke, I've gotten hugely rusted!) coming back to what I was telling you - Nope, marriage wasnt the reason why I stopped writing. "then why and what?" you ask. Well, if you want to know... after all these changes in my life, I had many many conflicts as you can imagine. With the world, with the 'new room mate', with old hearties at home, and mostly - myself.

During all that I just had no idea what and how was the best way to write and share my state of mind - also cause it was sooo dynamic. Today it was jumpy and the next moment it was downright troubled. Had I chosen to write then, I would have only confused the situation further. To add to this distressed state of being, I had very little access to internet and a keyboard. Now however, I do, albeit temporarily and I plan to make good use of it.

I have also been playing with several ideas in my head almost every single day. And today I wanted to take this opportunity to share it with you all, and also get your feedback on it.

So, since I have moved here, I am not really the same Samvidha anymore. I mean I am still the same, but there's a lot that's changed around me. Lot of interesting things I have done and tried doing, lot of things that have become a part of my lifestyle thanks to a happy-to-be-creatively-involved-spouse & lets-try-this-as-well feeling. So, in the last 6 months, I have gotten involved in pottery, quilling, tango, weaving, metal jewellery designing, cooking, baking, and origami. And so, this makes me a new and improved and more interesting Samvidha - dont you think? :)

So, with all this happening, I wanted to have a place (a blog?) to post and share what I have done recently with you all. This was not only to understand the progress I make within each of the activities, but also to share with you these extremely small yet significant accomplishments and insights while I am at it. Of course this includes all the feedback and pat-on-the-back as well from you all. So, I thought at first, may be I should start a food blog but then I realized that doing a food blog wouldnt do justice to the rest of the activities. Also, my sole passion isnt just food! So, I am thinking about something like a "SamStaysActive" page. I dont know, I am yet to decide on a nice name (any suggestions, do share them - please :)). Another variation of the same thought was that I could also make it a Samvidha&Vamsi page where I could share things that both of us do including glass blowing which is very much vamsi's forte.

So, how do you like the idea? Help me decide, please! Would love to hear your thoughts, suggestions or variations of it.Anything - just anything!

Oh, and yeah & lastly here's a song to soothen those nerve. Its called Delicate by Damien Rice. 

Love you 'till the end.

I just want to see you
When you're all alone
I just want to catch you if I can
I just want to be there
When the morning light explodes
On your face it radiates
I can't escape
I love you 'till the end

I just want to tell you nothing
You don't want to hear
All I want is for you to say
Why don't you just take me
Where I've never been before
I know you want to hear me
Catch my breath
I love you 'till the end

I just want to be there
When we're caught in the rain
I just want to see you laugh not cry
I just want to feel you
When the night puts on it's cloak
I'm lost for words don't tell me
All I can say
I love you 'till the end

by pogues

Love, Nat King Cole

 And on a half mooned marooned evening, such as today.Two friends sat arm in arm, chatting about the biggest mysteries they had ever known. Long after sharing stories, laughter and some serious heart to heart. One said, thinking out aloud with a sigh, "Love will always remain a mystery."

And the two held their breath with the pause that came after the respite they got from that sentence. A long drawn deep breadth and eons of a  pause later they sat looking at the elegant moon far far away. And just then this song started playing somewhere far far away.

Love, by the way, for that day stayed just that.


L is for the way you look at me
O is for the only one I see
V is very very extra-ordinary
E is even more than anyone that you adore can

Love, its all that i could give to you
Love, is more than just a game for two
Two in love can make it
Take my heart and please don't break it
Love was made for me and you
 

L is for the way you look at me
O is for the only one i see
V is very very extra-ordinary

E is even more than any anyone that you adore

Love is all that i can give to you 

Love is more than just a game for two 

Two in love can make it 

Take my heart and please don't break it 

Love was made for me and you 

Love was made for me and you 

Love was made for me and you

   

Somethings Broken...

"Yeah, we broke up." How often I have heard this. How often I've wondered what it feels like.How often I've thought that its more an immature-ish thing. Something that the my world is learning from the west. How often I've wanted to laugh at the person who loudly acclaims 'Oh, yeah! I broke up with him/her' thinking to myself, oh, if it was that easy, I wonder if you even knew him/her.

But slowly its clearing up for me. That foggy vision, like the glass pane after a hot warm shower. Which one stands watching for a long long second and then you raise your hand to clear it. Slowly, until a familiar reflection starts to show themselves to you, again. For a long time, you are mesmerized by what you see.

But it only takes you a second to realize that the person you see is not the same. Something has changed. Something has changed. Of course, sometimes I wonder what has. Honestly, I have a sense of it but when I say it loud, it sounds similar to a lie, and so, quickly I take it back. It takes some time, and I continue watching the reflection, closely- trying to figure out what is that really has changed. After a minute, something else, catches my attention and I close my eyes. When I open them, I recognize it, that reflection.

Its from the memory of a minute before. And sometimes, thats all one needs to be reminded of what I am and what I' ve come to.

Of course, I do not know what to do and where to go from here, I have been here too long. But I'd like to say it to those who've had similar thoughts as mine. Breaking up is not easy for some. Especially if you have dreamed together too long. There are memories that bubble up each day. There are tears enough to fill your bubble and burst it too. That security of future, that hope for tomorrow. All is lost, in a moment. But damn that longing, and damn that pain - it just stays.

Somethings broken and I am broken up. Its not something that came to me with a click of my fingers. It came to me just like love had, snaking its way slowly by steadily towards me - towards all of me.  Its a realization that something is not right. Its not taking me the way I wanted to go. I had reached out several times, just like some one who is going to end their life would. After many attempts and many many rehearsals in mind, I decides to take that plunge.

And I did it.

Just like I had for love. This is the same as that. The only difference is that its more for the love of myself, than for the love of that someone else. I am at a crossroad and I know that what we had was something  of once in a lifetime. Often, I know, I ll wonder and look back. Often, I know I will have those thoughts. Often, I ll again steam up my windows and rub them only to see if that someone was really me. There is life ahead, and its a long long lonely one...

Trepidation Of Rejection

Rejected.

The word rolls between my tongue the way sometimes wine does. I feel the layers to this word, just like sometimes I do with wine. Many a times, I am unsure as to what I may find. And many a times, I know I have found it. Its a cat and a mouse game, you keep at it and you forget how much time you have lost, how many thoughts and how much life. Rejection. You keep coming back to it; just like how you go back to that glass of wine, even after you have devoured a good mouthful.

There is something sweetly bitter about being rejected. Its a love affair; where your mind goes numb a minute and your heart comes alive the next. You can feel nothing and yet you feel everything. This minute you can hear the sounds, the noises, the thoughts, and the feelings - all comes to a standstill. You feel disconnected from the world. Sucked into a vacuum where you can probably only hear the aberration of what was, and not what is.

Your world definitely changes. It actually stops.

But thats how you feel it. Its not what it really is. Rejection makes you come alive. The word 'NO' in different forms, variations and meanings can have the same impact in different situations.  There is little that you can do when you are hit by this phenomenon of rejection.

You can be anybody.

You may be a expecting mother looking forward to meet the doctor who'd help in your baby's delivery. And are rejected as the doctors book has no place for appointments.
or
You may be that boy who is looking to start a life and is waiting in a plush reception of his dream company and is 'Suited' for the interview. And your turn to interview never comes.
or
You may be me. Waiting, waiting so long that the wait seems to have never started. That the wait seems to have become your life. And then out of no where, you can feel it coming; the rejection - you can feel it in your bones.
or
You may be that boy who has conjured up the courage today to ask her out, finally. You put on your best shoes and your jacket. Wear your best smile and have that red rose handy. Only to hear that she is not free that way.
or
You may be that wife who after a long long day of work and chaos, finally comes to bed to her husband; looking for some comfort, some love, some appreciation. Only to see that he is busy and building his social ties and doesnt even notice your presence. 

Rejection hits us most times when we are filled with pride, or rather least with pride. When we know that there is something we have done that deserves some comfort, some recognition, some good, and some kind words. Rejection sweeps us off our feet and places us back on the ground level faster than the blink of that eye. It has been there since centuries and probably is the cause of many many heart aches.

Of course, I feel rejected today, and so my hearts alive yet numb. 

Why is it tha rejection makes me trepid. Why do I abhore being rejected. Is it because I am very highly positive in my approach. That in moment I am filled with hope and possibilities and the next all of it shatters with a not-nod.


Intrepidity: I must become intrepid to being turned down. Shamelessly, intrepid.

I look up...

Some times, we allow our life to drive happiness out of one or a dew sources. This is not a very ideal way of living, the wise say. I guess because, as easily these conditions pick you up and help you soar the skies, same way, its easy for them to drop you back down there. May be having several sources would be like having best friends with eagles and storks. If one drops you, the other picks you up mid way and takes you a different direction.

Yes, ideally I'd love to have multiple sources not a handful as I do now. But, I am here, and I know that one of my sources is shining bright. The shining star blinds me, and I am dazzled. There isnt much I can do as I am glued to my feet. And so, I helplessly let go. Let go off all my inhibitions, and feel lightened thanks to the much heavy weight I have shed. And so, I start to float. Just like it happens in water, you rise up... slowly but surely. And before I can acknowledge what is happening, I am flying. High :)

He is visiting soon. 9 days more to go. :) At last, the excitements building (All is normal here, thank god!) :) I am also looking forward to a loong break from work and indulging into things I love to do. :) Travel, click click, swim, cook, dance, singa - ringa and laugh :) Like, laugh enough to satisfy all that I have missed in the many many days past. I am looking forward to some refreshment and refreshing freshness he brings with his perspective. Yes, I am also looking forward to the madness. I am looking forward to being pampered, just enough. And doing little things and drawing happy memories for a lifetime. Needless to say, I am looking forward to intense discussions on varied topics. Its a lovely feeling - this anticipation, and this knowledge that we are both here to listen and understand each other more. It comes with being around each other, we let go off a little on our own, and a little more in each others company.

Revisiting ruins and old times, making new and building few :) Its all a part of why I am so mad about you. Here is a picture that totally dipicts this madness albeit logically!


Song For The Mood

Unlike, all times, java software is blocked on my comp so, I am unable to download this beautiful video and connect it directly to my site. Sorry, to listen, you will have to go to Youtube :) Here's Let Go!

Love, & Random. Note to self.

Anxious. Can't sleep.

There was a time when Love to me was all beautiful things. When it was tender and soft and carefree. Like a walk in the meadows, or a Poppy orchard with the butterflies fluttering for company. When trying to replicate my feelings, I couldn't come up with any less than this for them. 

Today I feel like a sham. There is not much that is tender or vulnerable. It gets frustrating if I try too hard as I sound less original. The more I try, the more I hate. In the past, I have never had as many drafts as I do today.

My expressions of self only seem to make me loath my self more these days, leave alone let them feel my love. Then again, I wonder if this is really love anymore. But before I let that thought take me into a complete tangent, I must remember that I cant always be searching for 'that love' cause that love too gets boring, if lived too often. Its like reading the same lines again and again, the first few times you may feel the enthu, but after a few reads, your eyes and mind gets trained to ignore and move on

Anyways, I think I cant sleep, only cause I have gotten used to a good night call since for ever! When Beethovan and John Keats felt the way we did, and we able to describe it better, then I guess, I may have a chance too. Its not time yet. I must open myself to feel my wings, and believe that I can create wonderful things if I open my heart again to feel them. If I start seeing them again, as I once saw them, for the first time.

For that I may have to have a hundred and one conversations with this mind of mine. I may have to kill or bribe. Or I may just have to fall in love all over again. What ever it may be. Tonight I am going to spend in hope that when it comes to me, it takes my life force with it, like it did then.

Until then, this night does need company, so do I.

Honey And The Moon

Vamsi, this ones for you :)

Don't know why I'm still afraid
If you weren't real I would make you up
now

I wish that I could follow through
I know that your love is true
And deep
As the sea
But right now
Everything you want is wrong,
And right now
All your dreams are waking up,
And right now
I wish I could follow you
To the shores
Of freedom,
Where no one lives.

Remember when we first met
And everything was still a bet
In love's game
You would call; I'd call you back
And then I'd leave
A message
On your answering machine

But right now
Everything is turning blue,
And right now
The sun is trying to kill the moon,
And right now
I wish I could follow you
To the shores
Of freedom,
Where no one lives

Freedom
Run away tonight
Freedom, freedom
Run away
Run away tonight

We're made out of blood and rust
Looking for someone to trust
Without
A fight
I think that you came too soon
You're the honey and the moon
That lights
Up my night


But right now
Everything you want is wrong,
And right now
All your dreams are waking up,
And right now
I wish that I could follow you
To the shores
Of freedom
Where no one lives

Freedom
Run away tonight
Freedom freedom
Run away
Run away tonight

We got too much time to kill
Like pigeons on my windowsill
We hang around

Ever since I've been with you
You hold me up
All the time I've falling down

But right now
Everything is turning blue,
And right now
The sun is trying to kill the moon,
And right now
I wish I could follow you
To the shores
Of freedom
Where no one lives

4 am Love

It rained outside today but I dint notice.

I was thoroughly drenched in love today!

Just cause we were around until 4 am both ways...

:)

Whats My Purpose, Now?

What is my purpose?
To be with Vamsi?
To be with my advertiser?

No, to be true to myself.

Whats my purpose?
To get married?
To study further?

No, just stay in the now.
Do what is best at this moment And leave the rest to happen.

Whats my purpose?
To do the best I can to what is on my hand, on my mind.

Where does that take me?
Here. Nowhere.here.nowhere.here.nowhere

Am I happy?
Yes!
If I get married – would I be happy?
Yes!
If I don’t get married – would I be happy?
Yes!
If I study – would I be happy?
Yes!
If I don’t study – would I be happy?
Yes!

What matters to me?
To be alive!

To every moment, to every breath, to every sound, to every fragrance, to every touch and to every sense of everything around me.

Mere thinking about doing the things that everyone feels is right – you are just lying to yourself. Again, be true, be honest to yourself!

There is no right. No wrong. Everything just is. Doesn’t matter what choice you make, as long as you find happiness in being – in living, in the journey of life – everything else will take place in its own time.

Happiness is in the now, in the very moment you are living. It will not be delivered when you reach, or do something. It is as long as you live, as long as you are alive. It is. It just is.

Remember this. Always.

Monsoons are here, my first pictures of this years monsoons - Welcome Monsooooons!! :)

And If you have been thinking, thinking hard, of the way things are going. And whether, you want them to go the way they are. Just Wait. Hold. Breath. Talk.

And if in future you have a choice, fall in love with someone who lives just at an arms distance and not in different time zones. (Yes, the whole game of attraction, distraction, and the likes should take place with someone whose future is also in your vicinity)

If you dont want/have a choice, then like I said -Smile. Wait. Patience. Smile. Wait. Talk. Smile. Shout. Show Disappointment. Wait. Patience. Smile. Laugh. Love.

Things eventually do work out :)

Thanks for... umm... basically everything VammyPa. There are not many in my world who have the kind of patience, dedication and love you show. And So, I am choosing to say it in public, when I pretty much had a choice of writing you an email. If this in someway emarasses you, or hurts you :( Sowie, I promise it wasn't intentional. But Really! I would have been really burnt out had we had not had that talk :)

Thank You!!