Search This Blog

Wednesday, December 17

You're Beautiful

I have been in a relationship for almost 8 years now, married for 3.5 of those.Everytime, I've wanted to hear something nice, I followed this rule "you give to get it back", "what goes around comes around", "love the way you want to be loved" and so on and so forth.

So, if I want to hear "I love you" I say it to someone. If I wanted to be called beautiful, I'd say it aloud to TH first. If I thought I'd done something nice, I would compliment someone else first. All the good things first for others. "Samvidha, leave the best serving of the food first for the guests!"

Sometimes, I noticed that even though that was my favorite dish. And if allowed I would have devoured it and enjoyed it. The so called guests/special people absolutely overlooked it. It happened to me very often. I complimented you, but you forgot. When I thank someone, I  only get a "you are welcome" in return - not a Thank You! I tried "You are beautiful" What I got in return? <Odd look, and thanks!>

"Hey you did cool thing so well" What I got in return? "<Hey! Thanks!>" "Hey, you are pretty awesome! That was pretty cool stuff there" "<smile and thanks!> You get the hint. Wait, this doesnt mean that I dont believe in the butter fly effect. I do believe in kindness. I do believe in being nice. What I would love to change however is the need to fulfill my need to love and be loved,  experience affection, appreciation through some one else. Ofcourse, this too, cannot be a 100%. I mean, some of it does depend on the friends you have around you, the support system one has, the partner one chooses and so on. But the weight age of things has to shift. From Pareto's 20:80 where the focus depends more on external sources for gratification. It has to shift to 80:20 where gratification happens from within. Gracias or Gratitude for one self should happen at every point in time.  So that when it finally does come around. You dont go <Umm, sure, if you say so?!> but more <Sure, Thank you! I deserve that!>

Well, the point to write this note is not to show the modesty that surrounds me. But to show how I have been living to nurture my self through others. I hope to tell my self "I love you" and feel as good as it may have been to hear it from someone or even better!

I know that there is no one else who loves me more than myself. If I was ever given a choice to save one thing from drowning or a burning building - I think I'd first try and save myself. Then, I wonder, why cant I proclaim love for myself and appreciate the honestly in it?

Why am I conditioned to believe it when I only hear it from someone else? A lot has changed though. I do look at myself, and smile. I do see more of myself now. If I close my eyes, I can see myself standing in front of a mirror. A little more attention, and I am pretty sure, I wouldnt allow people to hurt me. I'd be my own hero!

All it takes is a simple switch. A click. And a gentle smile - and loads of forgiveness, for yourself and towards yourself.
Because 'You're beautiful'! "Yes, I am!"

No comments: