Love is

When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots are become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the desire to mate every second of the day. It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body. No... don't blush. I am telling you some truths. For that is just being in love; which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away... 






A song for the soul, after a very very long time :)

The Blowers Daughter. 

Love, Nat King Cole

 And on a half mooned marooned evening, such as today.Two friends sat arm in arm, chatting about the biggest mysteries they had ever known. Long after sharing stories, laughter and some serious heart to heart. One said, thinking out aloud with a sigh, "Love will always remain a mystery."

And the two held their breath with the pause that came after the respite they got from that sentence. A long drawn deep breadth and eons of a  pause later they sat looking at the elegant moon far far away. And just then this song started playing somewhere far far away.

Love, by the way, for that day stayed just that.


L is for the way you look at me
O is for the only one I see
V is very very extra-ordinary
E is even more than anyone that you adore can

Love, its all that i could give to you
Love, is more than just a game for two
Two in love can make it
Take my heart and please don't break it
Love was made for me and you
 

L is for the way you look at me
O is for the only one i see
V is very very extra-ordinary

E is even more than any anyone that you adore

Love is all that i can give to you 

Love is more than just a game for two 

Two in love can make it 

Take my heart and please don't break it 

Love was made for me and you 

Love was made for me and you 

Love was made for me and you

   

Don't Leave Until You Leave

Some lessons come to you, when you need them the most. And they become lessons for life.
Today, I happened to learn something I hope never to forget in my life. I've been obsessed about getting married from the day the thought was put in my head. Its in my subconscious and it really has had an effect that has encapsulated and changed my whole life.

I have seen these changes in me and I have ignored them, because it dint make sense. I was doing all that I was supposed to. Yet, somewhere I wasnt doing enough. I dont have enough experience, neither do I have the right sort of people guiding me who can point and tell me what my problem is when they see it. So, I learn the hard way, and the hard way is the way that I am going to speak about today.

I have been a career oriented girl, or so I thought. I started off being completely enthused in college with the subjects that finally fit my ideas and mindset and gave me the sort of satisfaction that one gets from walking on a spring-season evening.  My life in college started with myself, in between I had my most amazing bunch of friends and came back to being myself. This is not a random rant, so please don't go just cause I am talking so much about myself back in college! What I am trying to get at while you may think I am going off in a tangent is that, I had a wild spirit back in college. A zest back there that I feel inside me brimming under a few layers these days. Those days, it used to be bubbling on top and everything else, tightly layered in. I knew that I wanted to do something good, and make something out of me. I worked very hard to achieve that.

So, after college even when I dint know what I'd do, I sort of knew that whatever I did, I'd do a good job of it. So, long after, when I was placed in the coolest companies, I started of with the same spirit. However, soon after, my personal life began to move full throttle. Somewhere in time, Vamsi asked me to marry him and I was in cloud 9. This was quite a while back. Since then, I would often get excited and start thinking and planning about the wedding. So much, that today when I look back,

So, often it would happen that I would be on the right track with work, and things would deteriorate, I would often let go basically because I had a parallel track called wedding.



Anyways, touchwood, things are going well on that end. And hopefully will continue to as well. I just wanted to write something that I remember for a lifetime. These 3 things were shared on TED by Sheryl Sandberg. And I hope to remember them, as they make complete sense to me

1. Sit at the table.

Meaning: give yourself that importance and dont shy away or under estimate your capabilities. You are in the room for a reason, you must make yourself and everyone feel it, and you better make most of it.

2. Make your partner a real partner.

Meaning: give your better half the credit and treat them as equals and with respect- as you wish to be treated. 
Make time for them, appreciate them for their love and support. Be open to sharing responsibilities. Home is not easy to handle for anyone, be it a man or a woman. Dont take your better half for granted.

3. Don't leave before you leave

Meaning: Do not stop working on opportunities and plans just because there is something "happening" in your personal life. Yes, agreed you have made some decisions too far in advance but this shouldn't stop you from doing your job halfheartedly or not doing the best of your capability.  Keep working actively until the very end!

The last point is the most important one that was ever shared with me, and also the most relevant. Yes, I have probably lost 2 years of my career here. However, learning something this important is never too late. Because when I look back its 2 long years of my 4 years of career, but I look forward - these are just 2 years of my loong loong life and career ahead.

I really hope to value not just professionally but personally too. Certain things become your nature only when you apply them to your personal as well as proffessional life. And me this has been the biggest learning.

Somethings Broken...

"Yeah, we broke up." How often I have heard this. How often I've wondered what it feels like.How often I've thought that its more an immature-ish thing. Something that the my world is learning from the west. How often I've wanted to laugh at the person who loudly acclaims 'Oh, yeah! I broke up with him/her' thinking to myself, oh, if it was that easy, I wonder if you even knew him/her.

But slowly its clearing up for me. That foggy vision, like the glass pane after a hot warm shower. Which one stands watching for a long long second and then you raise your hand to clear it. Slowly, until a familiar reflection starts to show themselves to you, again. For a long time, you are mesmerized by what you see.

But it only takes you a second to realize that the person you see is not the same. Something has changed. Something has changed. Of course, sometimes I wonder what has. Honestly, I have a sense of it but when I say it loud, it sounds similar to a lie, and so, quickly I take it back. It takes some time, and I continue watching the reflection, closely- trying to figure out what is that really has changed. After a minute, something else, catches my attention and I close my eyes. When I open them, I recognize it, that reflection.

Its from the memory of a minute before. And sometimes, thats all one needs to be reminded of what I am and what I' ve come to.

Of course, I do not know what to do and where to go from here, I have been here too long. But I'd like to say it to those who've had similar thoughts as mine. Breaking up is not easy for some. Especially if you have dreamed together too long. There are memories that bubble up each day. There are tears enough to fill your bubble and burst it too. That security of future, that hope for tomorrow. All is lost, in a moment. But damn that longing, and damn that pain - it just stays.

Somethings broken and I am broken up. Its not something that came to me with a click of my fingers. It came to me just like love had, snaking its way slowly by steadily towards me - towards all of me.  Its a realization that something is not right. Its not taking me the way I wanted to go. I had reached out several times, just like some one who is going to end their life would. After many attempts and many many rehearsals in mind, I decides to take that plunge.

And I did it.

Just like I had for love. This is the same as that. The only difference is that its more for the love of myself, than for the love of that someone else. I am at a crossroad and I know that what we had was something  of once in a lifetime. Often, I know, I ll wonder and look back. Often, I know I will have those thoughts. Often, I ll again steam up my windows and rub them only to see if that someone was really me. There is life ahead, and its a long long lonely one...

Trepidation Of Rejection

Rejected.

The word rolls between my tongue the way sometimes wine does. I feel the layers to this word, just like sometimes I do with wine. Many a times, I am unsure as to what I may find. And many a times, I know I have found it. Its a cat and a mouse game, you keep at it and you forget how much time you have lost, how many thoughts and how much life. Rejection. You keep coming back to it; just like how you go back to that glass of wine, even after you have devoured a good mouthful.

There is something sweetly bitter about being rejected. Its a love affair; where your mind goes numb a minute and your heart comes alive the next. You can feel nothing and yet you feel everything. This minute you can hear the sounds, the noises, the thoughts, and the feelings - all comes to a standstill. You feel disconnected from the world. Sucked into a vacuum where you can probably only hear the aberration of what was, and not what is.

Your world definitely changes. It actually stops.

But thats how you feel it. Its not what it really is. Rejection makes you come alive. The word 'NO' in different forms, variations and meanings can have the same impact in different situations.  There is little that you can do when you are hit by this phenomenon of rejection.

You can be anybody.

You may be a expecting mother looking forward to meet the doctor who'd help in your baby's delivery. And are rejected as the doctors book has no place for appointments.
or
You may be that boy who is looking to start a life and is waiting in a plush reception of his dream company and is 'Suited' for the interview. And your turn to interview never comes.
or
You may be me. Waiting, waiting so long that the wait seems to have never started. That the wait seems to have become your life. And then out of no where, you can feel it coming; the rejection - you can feel it in your bones.
or
You may be that boy who has conjured up the courage today to ask her out, finally. You put on your best shoes and your jacket. Wear your best smile and have that red rose handy. Only to hear that she is not free that way.
or
You may be that wife who after a long long day of work and chaos, finally comes to bed to her husband; looking for some comfort, some love, some appreciation. Only to see that he is busy and building his social ties and doesnt even notice your presence. 

Rejection hits us most times when we are filled with pride, or rather least with pride. When we know that there is something we have done that deserves some comfort, some recognition, some good, and some kind words. Rejection sweeps us off our feet and places us back on the ground level faster than the blink of that eye. It has been there since centuries and probably is the cause of many many heart aches.

Of course, I feel rejected today, and so my hearts alive yet numb. 

Why is it tha rejection makes me trepid. Why do I abhore being rejected. Is it because I am very highly positive in my approach. That in moment I am filled with hope and possibilities and the next all of it shatters with a not-nod.


Intrepidity: I must become intrepid to being turned down. Shamelessly, intrepid.

A Day Before 26 November, 2010...

I can't believe it. Days pass into months and months into years.And year after year just another day becomes a significant day that you'd rather not wait for. I'd rather not count those insignificant years gone by...

First, its the parents, celebrating milestones of something they created.Day after day they celebrate the lil things, little changes they see in their children. They lovingly called it 'growing up'. But really unknown to them,  they really celebrate their slow paced independence.They celebrate when the child first walks on their own and dint need their support. They celebrate the day they dint have to be by the child's side, and the child could stand on his own two feet. (Having said that, of course I agree, they have every reason to celebrate it because its not everyday that a child is born to you. That you create and develop something "alive" together, so celebrate it all the way Amma & Appa)

But what is ironical is that the child himself thinks that they are being celebrated. Its the noise, the happy faces, the happy attention span, and the easy attitude that distract him from the truth behind the reality. And so, its an illusion that he lives in, for a long long time. Because, long after he took his first step - and they celebrated. Long after he was on his own - and they celebrated. Long after all of that and they finished celebrating; the child continues to celebrate. He stood there proudly clapping his non - achievements. He stood there standing tall celebrating his mundane life. He stood there with a happy gait and a happier smile celebrating, oblivious to his own loss of childishness or for the loss of a better word, childhood.

What is unknown to him is that future may no longer bring the same security and comfort of being taken care of, of being blindly dependent, and of being careless and free are soon to be gone replaced with burdens of responsibility and grudging reality that life is no child's game. And that its time to turn the tables soon, that what you took for granted, may not be; like the food on the table and the washed and ironed clothes. Or even the comforting warm arms or the morning sounds of chores.

That what comes is made of adults and adulteration.

For so much that has gone missing, I refuse to count today. I refuse to move on. I refuse to say that I ll be a year older. I refuse to let the memories be bygone. I refuse to say that I ll be dying soon one day (I know, kinda dramatic). I refuse to be a year closer to 25, or wait is it 52? I refuse to let go of them, my loved ones. I refuse it, I refuse it all.

Today, I ll live another day - like its my only one. But please don't celebrate it & please dont let it be Happy or Merry. Just today - this one day, please.

Well Played, Time. Well Played.

Sometimes life takes you too far from where you were standing, too fast too for your understanding.
Sometimes you find yourself in places where you never thought you'd see yourself at.

Sometimes, in life, you will find that before you can infer from the course of events as to what is really taking place, you may have drifted too far apart. Sometimes, you can see yourself drifting, mesmerized by the slow motion at which you are set adrift; you think you can close your eyes and still  just be around. Alas, before you wake up to realise, you are far too long gone and away to come back where you were, caught unaware by the motion of the rapid forces of the erstwhile slow and gentle liquid  .

Time is steadfast yet dynamic. It stares at you blankly, slowly ticking those seconds deceiving you to believe that you are in solitude.That you have a moment to spare - to wait, to let go. The sporadic movement to me meant that things will change but in time. How Conniving. How misleading.


Right now, all I can say is Time, played well.