Love, Nat King Cole

 And on a half mooned marooned evening, such as today.Two friends sat arm in arm, chatting about the biggest mysteries they had ever known. Long after sharing stories, laughter and some serious heart to heart. One said, thinking out aloud with a sigh, "Love will always remain a mystery."

And the two held their breath with the pause that came after the respite they got from that sentence. A long drawn deep breadth and eons of a  pause later they sat looking at the elegant moon far far away. And just then this song started playing somewhere far far away.

Love, by the way, for that day stayed just that.


L is for the way you look at me
O is for the only one I see
V is very very extra-ordinary
E is even more than anyone that you adore can

Love, its all that i could give to you
Love, is more than just a game for two
Two in love can make it
Take my heart and please don't break it
Love was made for me and you
 

L is for the way you look at me
O is for the only one i see
V is very very extra-ordinary

E is even more than any anyone that you adore

Love is all that i can give to you 

Love is more than just a game for two 

Two in love can make it 

Take my heart and please don't break it 

Love was made for me and you 

Love was made for me and you 

Love was made for me and you

   

Somethings Broken...

"Yeah, we broke up." How often I have heard this. How often I've wondered what it feels like.How often I've thought that its more an immature-ish thing. Something that the my world is learning from the west. How often I've wanted to laugh at the person who loudly acclaims 'Oh, yeah! I broke up with him/her' thinking to myself, oh, if it was that easy, I wonder if you even knew him/her.

But slowly its clearing up for me. That foggy vision, like the glass pane after a hot warm shower. Which one stands watching for a long long second and then you raise your hand to clear it. Slowly, until a familiar reflection starts to show themselves to you, again. For a long time, you are mesmerized by what you see.

But it only takes you a second to realize that the person you see is not the same. Something has changed. Something has changed. Of course, sometimes I wonder what has. Honestly, I have a sense of it but when I say it loud, it sounds similar to a lie, and so, quickly I take it back. It takes some time, and I continue watching the reflection, closely- trying to figure out what is that really has changed. After a minute, something else, catches my attention and I close my eyes. When I open them, I recognize it, that reflection.

Its from the memory of a minute before. And sometimes, thats all one needs to be reminded of what I am and what I' ve come to.

Of course, I do not know what to do and where to go from here, I have been here too long. But I'd like to say it to those who've had similar thoughts as mine. Breaking up is not easy for some. Especially if you have dreamed together too long. There are memories that bubble up each day. There are tears enough to fill your bubble and burst it too. That security of future, that hope for tomorrow. All is lost, in a moment. But damn that longing, and damn that pain - it just stays.

Somethings broken and I am broken up. Its not something that came to me with a click of my fingers. It came to me just like love had, snaking its way slowly by steadily towards me - towards all of me.  Its a realization that something is not right. Its not taking me the way I wanted to go. I had reached out several times, just like some one who is going to end their life would. After many attempts and many many rehearsals in mind, I decides to take that plunge.

And I did it.

Just like I had for love. This is the same as that. The only difference is that its more for the love of myself, than for the love of that someone else. I am at a crossroad and I know that what we had was something  of once in a lifetime. Often, I know, I ll wonder and look back. Often, I know I will have those thoughts. Often, I ll again steam up my windows and rub them only to see if that someone was really me. There is life ahead, and its a long long lonely one...

Trepidation Of Rejection

Rejected.

The word rolls between my tongue the way sometimes wine does. I feel the layers to this word, just like sometimes I do with wine. Many a times, I am unsure as to what I may find. And many a times, I know I have found it. Its a cat and a mouse game, you keep at it and you forget how much time you have lost, how many thoughts and how much life. Rejection. You keep coming back to it; just like how you go back to that glass of wine, even after you have devoured a good mouthful.

There is something sweetly bitter about being rejected. Its a love affair; where your mind goes numb a minute and your heart comes alive the next. You can feel nothing and yet you feel everything. This minute you can hear the sounds, the noises, the thoughts, and the feelings - all comes to a standstill. You feel disconnected from the world. Sucked into a vacuum where you can probably only hear the aberration of what was, and not what is.

Your world definitely changes. It actually stops.

But thats how you feel it. Its not what it really is. Rejection makes you come alive. The word 'NO' in different forms, variations and meanings can have the same impact in different situations.  There is little that you can do when you are hit by this phenomenon of rejection.

You can be anybody.

You may be a expecting mother looking forward to meet the doctor who'd help in your baby's delivery. And are rejected as the doctors book has no place for appointments.
or
You may be that boy who is looking to start a life and is waiting in a plush reception of his dream company and is 'Suited' for the interview. And your turn to interview never comes.
or
You may be me. Waiting, waiting so long that the wait seems to have never started. That the wait seems to have become your life. And then out of no where, you can feel it coming; the rejection - you can feel it in your bones.
or
You may be that boy who has conjured up the courage today to ask her out, finally. You put on your best shoes and your jacket. Wear your best smile and have that red rose handy. Only to hear that she is not free that way.
or
You may be that wife who after a long long day of work and chaos, finally comes to bed to her husband; looking for some comfort, some love, some appreciation. Only to see that he is busy and building his social ties and doesnt even notice your presence. 

Rejection hits us most times when we are filled with pride, or rather least with pride. When we know that there is something we have done that deserves some comfort, some recognition, some good, and some kind words. Rejection sweeps us off our feet and places us back on the ground level faster than the blink of that eye. It has been there since centuries and probably is the cause of many many heart aches.

Of course, I feel rejected today, and so my hearts alive yet numb. 

Why is it tha rejection makes me trepid. Why do I abhore being rejected. Is it because I am very highly positive in my approach. That in moment I am filled with hope and possibilities and the next all of it shatters with a not-nod.


Intrepidity: I must become intrepid to being turned down. Shamelessly, intrepid.

A Day Before 26 November, 2010...

I can't believe it. Days pass into months and months into years.And year after year just another day becomes a significant day that you'd rather not wait for. I'd rather not count those insignificant years gone by...

First, its the parents, celebrating milestones of something they created.Day after day they celebrate the lil things, little changes they see in their children. They lovingly called it 'growing up'. But really unknown to them,  they really celebrate their slow paced independence.They celebrate when the child first walks on their own and dint need their support. They celebrate the day they dint have to be by the child's side, and the child could stand on his own two feet. (Having said that, of course I agree, they have every reason to celebrate it because its not everyday that a child is born to you. That you create and develop something "alive" together, so celebrate it all the way Amma & Appa)

But what is ironical is that the child himself thinks that they are being celebrated. Its the noise, the happy faces, the happy attention span, and the easy attitude that distract him from the truth behind the reality. And so, its an illusion that he lives in, for a long long time. Because, long after he took his first step - and they celebrated. Long after he was on his own - and they celebrated. Long after all of that and they finished celebrating; the child continues to celebrate. He stood there proudly clapping his non - achievements. He stood there standing tall celebrating his mundane life. He stood there with a happy gait and a happier smile celebrating, oblivious to his own loss of childishness or for the loss of a better word, childhood.

What is unknown to him is that future may no longer bring the same security and comfort of being taken care of, of being blindly dependent, and of being careless and free are soon to be gone replaced with burdens of responsibility and grudging reality that life is no child's game. And that its time to turn the tables soon, that what you took for granted, may not be; like the food on the table and the washed and ironed clothes. Or even the comforting warm arms or the morning sounds of chores.

That what comes is made of adults and adulteration.

For so much that has gone missing, I refuse to count today. I refuse to move on. I refuse to say that I ll be a year older. I refuse to let the memories be bygone. I refuse to say that I ll be dying soon one day (I know, kinda dramatic). I refuse to be a year closer to 25, or wait is it 52? I refuse to let go of them, my loved ones. I refuse it, I refuse it all.

Today, I ll live another day - like its my only one. But please don't celebrate it & please dont let it be Happy or Merry. Just today - this one day, please.

Showering Sparrows!

 

So, I guess those who know me well know that I Love Sparrows. They are the cutest creatures in the whole world. At home a few years ago there used to be a bunch of sparrows living in a bush. But its been years since I have seen one at home, happily jumping and playing with each other. 

So, coming to the point, a few weeks back I had made a trip to Hampi, and guess what - the sparrows were there! Not just a bunch but in abundance. Every thatched roof had a family of sparrows, and so did every buss behind a rock. It was a delight watching these little wonders swing from one place to the other attached to each other with a spring.

Sparrows have a way with dancing and fluttering. And I can sit in a place and watch their energized activity for hours without moving a limb. If you watch them long, they ll tell stories. Some good ones, of happy times and some bad - of survival.

 Sparrows have become non - existent in our surrounding and we know why. We forgot about them. Simply. These small lil beings who are so known be so involved with themselves and their daily chores. We forgot about them cause we got involved in us, and ours. 

Anyways, its not time for lecture. The reason why I am writing this post is to share one of the most joyous occasions of my life. Showering Sparrows. :) Okay, more like Bathing Sparrows! 

So, I was walking back from one of the ruins early morning. The road was muddy and had puddles of water in several places after the incessant rains from the night before. So, trying to skip and miss these pools of water, I was returning to my guest house when out of no where these sparrows came fluttering. 

I stopped in my tracks as I had spend quite some time trying to take pictures of them since my visit but they are so fast its almost impossible. So, when they came flying out of the bush - obviously I froze in my tracks. I had no idea that I was in for a big treat. One after the other, in a few seconds there were about 8-10 sparrows. Some male and some female.

All of them came and stood beside these muddy pools of water and started to take a dip in the water. 5 of the females decided to take one pond while the rest 5 males decided to take the other. And they dipped and playyed and cleaned themselves, while I happily did a sparrow dance and took these shots. 

I know, there must be better shots of them - but for me these really are the best - cause they have a dream come true wish behind them. Cause these have a story that ll be shared with many. And I am glad I was part of the Sparrow Kingdom for once :)

 

Although this whole incident must have lasted less than a second. For me it was a moment of a life time. When my silent wish to the sparrows-to-hold,-so-I-could-take-a-picture came true.

Things on my mind:

1. CWG and Delhi; Kalmadi having the guts to stand on the stage and speaking on behalf of India. India; boo'ed.

2. The death of 7 elephants by a speeding goods train. The elephants were on the track to save two elephant kids who were stuck at the crossing. Elephants being the social beings that they are, couldnt abandon their offsprings and so stayed until their last breath. However, I wonder what the Train Driver was busy doing; blind to the travesties of the tracks. I dearly mourn them.

3. The 5 pups who have now grown into cutey balls of fur, and have the cutest and most funnest gait. They are just 4 weeks old and are looking for homes. Its so easy to give a dog home, they are no nonsense pets and condition and adjust to their masters life styles very well. My heart would die to see my babies go to blue cross instead of homes. Hope...

4. Babri Masjids Verdict: As much as I am amazed and surprised at the 'peaceful' proceedings after the verdict, I am not satisfied with it though. Where is justice. If two people quarrel for a land, do you just take a knife and cut it equally? What about rightful ownership? I am all for the muslims, and their cause. There was some wrong done, how can we ignore it as History? If we do, only then - History repeats itself. We must learn.

5. Gandhis birthday, and so was Lal Bahadur Shastri. I respect Shastri ji for his humble, yet strong nature. Some of his words and thoughts will continue to be a part of what I know as India's Freedom Struggle. Jai Jawan Jai Kisan and HIndi Cheenii Bhai Bhai. Heres to two most respected and wonderful Mahatmas born to India.

Love, & Random. Note to self.

Anxious. Can't sleep.

There was a time when Love to me was all beautiful things. When it was tender and soft and carefree. Like a walk in the meadows, or a Poppy orchard with the butterflies fluttering for company. When trying to replicate my feelings, I couldn't come up with any less than this for them. 

Today I feel like a sham. There is not much that is tender or vulnerable. It gets frustrating if I try too hard as I sound less original. The more I try, the more I hate. In the past, I have never had as many drafts as I do today.

My expressions of self only seem to make me loath my self more these days, leave alone let them feel my love. Then again, I wonder if this is really love anymore. But before I let that thought take me into a complete tangent, I must remember that I cant always be searching for 'that love' cause that love too gets boring, if lived too often. Its like reading the same lines again and again, the first few times you may feel the enthu, but after a few reads, your eyes and mind gets trained to ignore and move on

Anyways, I think I cant sleep, only cause I have gotten used to a good night call since for ever! When Beethovan and John Keats felt the way we did, and we able to describe it better, then I guess, I may have a chance too. Its not time yet. I must open myself to feel my wings, and believe that I can create wonderful things if I open my heart again to feel them. If I start seeing them again, as I once saw them, for the first time.

For that I may have to have a hundred and one conversations with this mind of mine. I may have to kill or bribe. Or I may just have to fall in love all over again. What ever it may be. Tonight I am going to spend in hope that when it comes to me, it takes my life force with it, like it did then.

Until then, this night does need company, so do I.

And everyone deserves:

• to have a bed to call their own
• to have a door to privacy
• to have someone to dearly love
• to have freedom to wear what they want
• to have a friend they can call at 4 am
• to be able to cook when they want to
• to be sexually expressive
• to walk looking up at the sky
• to carry anything anywhere
• to leave when they want to
• to feel secure
• to play in the park
• to not being frisked at every nook and corner
• to feel healthy
• to a good nights sleep
• to look themselves
• to express themselves without inhibitions
• to dance in the rain
• to say 'No, Thank you!'
• their sunshine
• to close others out
• to feel liberated

Then, spiritual freedom will be free for all, and not limited to a few.

May be - like animals...

Whats My Purpose, Now?

What is my purpose?
To be with Vamsi?
To be with my advertiser?

No, to be true to myself.

Whats my purpose?
To get married?
To study further?

No, just stay in the now.
Do what is best at this moment And leave the rest to happen.

Whats my purpose?
To do the best I can to what is on my hand, on my mind.

Where does that take me?
Here. Nowhere.here.nowhere.here.nowhere

Am I happy?
Yes!
If I get married – would I be happy?
Yes!
If I don’t get married – would I be happy?
Yes!
If I study – would I be happy?
Yes!
If I don’t study – would I be happy?
Yes!

What matters to me?
To be alive!

To every moment, to every breath, to every sound, to every fragrance, to every touch and to every sense of everything around me.

Mere thinking about doing the things that everyone feels is right – you are just lying to yourself. Again, be true, be honest to yourself!

There is no right. No wrong. Everything just is. Doesn’t matter what choice you make, as long as you find happiness in being – in living, in the journey of life – everything else will take place in its own time.

Happiness is in the now, in the very moment you are living. It will not be delivered when you reach, or do something. It is as long as you live, as long as you are alive. It is. It just is.

Remember this. Always.

Monsoons are here, my first pictures of this years monsoons - Welcome Monsooooons!! :)

I made it count...

:) Proud feeling comes :)

April 16, 2009.

Sparrow Dance

Sparrow dancing! Apparently, I dance like a lil sparrow :)



This came about while talking about 'Witch of Portobello - Paolo Coelho' with my cubie, and a good friend Archie, expressing how the book has transformed the way I dance.

:) Some transformation I say!

Best Compliment ever; I love sparrows :)

Post Script: This particular post has attracted attention from people worldwide, I guess because most of them wanted to see/read something about the dance of sparrows. Apologies, if this in any way has mislead you. For you all, I was fortunate to be able to shoot sparrows showering. These are Indian Sparrows found in Hampi, close to Karnataka. These pics, I hope, do not dissapoint you. Do leave your comments behind... its good to read your thoughts!